Glorify Him With Every Breath...

Crocodile Tears... or Lack Thereof

2011-07-18T23:07:00.006-05:00

I just realized that I don't cry like I used to.

Growing up, I cried a bit more than average I would guess. There were many reasons for that, but I think that most of it stemmed from my deep-rooted fears that God decided to deal with later on in my life.

Then when my mom died, I cried every day for awhile...

Then every other day...

Then a few times a week...

Then every other week...

Then sporadically here and there... every month or so.

Now, when I say cry, I'm not counting the times when I tear up while watching a sad movie or other moments in life when tears come into my eyes. Crying to me is when tears are overflowing and they last more than a minute or two. My mom used to call them "big crocodile tears".

Maybe one of the reasons I don't cry as much now is because I don't have as much time to think.

When I truly take the time to be still ... tears come.

It's almost as if my body doesn't let me grieve except for the times when I give myself permission. I wish that I would get some still time every day... but unfortunately, I don't always do it. Even in my quiet times in the morning, sometimes my mind isn't at rest and truly still.

The thing is: I've never felt the freedom to let myself become lost in feelings of grief. This excuse sounds lame, but I really don't have time.

If I could drive away to a secluded cabin in the middle of the mountains and spend a few weeks there... with no telephone. No Internet. No distractions. Ah... that would be a taste of Heaven. It would just be me, my writing utensils, my Bible, my walking shoes so I could go on hikes, and a few carefully selected books. Oh, and I can't forget the chocolate and Kleenex.

Then, in that secluded place... I would cry. I wouldn't have interruptions. Busyness wouldn't be allowed to cloud out my feelings any longer.

I would cry until no tears were left.

I would tell God why I wish my mom was still here. Why everything seems to be going wrong and how hard life is. I would talk to him about my confusion, my sorrows... the sadness that still grips my heart even when my life seems "perfect" to the outside observer. I would talk to him about my fears regarding many things. And then I would be silent... and let the crocodile tears slide down my cheeks in the stillness.

Tears would fall... for what I've lost, for what I've gained, for what is behind and what is to come.

I don't cry like I used to. Not because I don't feel like I used to, but simply because I don't allow myself to be still and let the tears fall.

July Wish

2011-07-02T22:23:00.003-05:00

I was sitting outside watching fireworks light up the sky... so beautiful. So powerful. Just like my God... and my memories.

And as I sat thinking, a poem was birthed:

July Wish

Sometimes I wish upon a star

Wishing I could be where you are

If only to talk for awhile

And see your beautiful smile

Deep things are on my heart

Yet we are so far apart

My soul cries sometimes

And it only comes out in rhymes

I wish you were close by me here

Like a warm blanket wrapped near

Salty tears roll down my face

I simply wish for one more embrace

Fireworks light up the sky

This traditional Fourth of July

The bright color and sound

Makes the darkness flee all around

I wish the noise could change me

Jar me back to this present reality

But I’m lost remembering yesterday

It seems such a small price to pay

When I can see you in my mind’s eye

Every time those fireworks light up the sky

Traditions make me think of you

And that winter day that you flew

Away to a home much better than here

No more pain. No more fear

Did fireworks light up the sky that day?

In an eternal place far away?

There’s no question that you will always be missed

Every day that I continue to exist

And little by little my heart will heal

Because my wonderful Savior is real

So every year when the Fourth rolls around

I can smile… because I know where peace is found.

I am She

2011-06-26T12:47:00.003-05:00

Here is a poem that I wrote for my literature class today. Enjoy! And feedback is always welcomed and appreciated.

I am She

I am she

The woman in the mask

The woman I didn’t want to be

I am she

The hypocrite woman

Never kneeling on bended knees

I am she

The woman who hides

Where no one can see

I am she

The unfaithful woman

How can you still love me?

I am she

The redeemed woman

Finally free

Dear 76 Readers... Got a Question? Any question?

2011-06-23T11:33:00.006-05:00

Hello dear readers!

Today I am supposed to be doing nothing but homework (World Civ and Intro to Lit) but I decided to take a little break from that so that I can write to you.

Did you know that you're over SEVENTY readers now? I was reading some of my previous blog postings this morning, specifically THIS ONE and suddenly realized that you all have put up with a lot of craziness from me in the past.

I admit it. I am a little crazy.

But nevertheless, the number of readers has grown... so there must be something you're enjoying... right?

Hopefully.

That's my friend Jaci and I at an 80's Bowling Night last semester!

Uh... random.

*crickets*

Okaaaaaay. Now, back to the MAIN point of this post:

I recently thought of this idea... and if you don't like it, no biggie. But I thought I'd try it out.

From now until the end of the summer, I want to give you all the opportunity to ask me any question you can think of: whether it be about God, theology, relationships, purity, food, sibling drama, health, nutrition, dating, exercise, politics... ANYTHING.

You can leave your name, but if you want to remain anonymous, that's fine too. Just place a comment at the end of this post and check "anonymous". I will be randomly selecting questions to answer in "Dear Em" blog posts during the rest of the summer.

Now, let's get one thing straight: I'm not GOD.

Therefore, my answers will not be 100% right or perfect.

However, I do promise to use the knowledge that I have as well as my own experiences to give you the best possible answer I can from my perspective. If I don't know the answer... I'll try to find it... or find someone who does. Or... if you're just wanting to know what my personal opinion is on a subject, that's fine too. Ask away!

Questions can be silly or stupid or serious or slightly sinister. But I'm not kidding when I say that anything goes. I cannot promise to answer every question that I receive. But I CAN promise that I care about all 76 of you and will do my very best.

"Sisters" - A poem

2011-06-21T20:17:00.004-05:00

Sisters

I am the envy of every woman

The lust of every man

If you possess me

You may lack humility

In youth, I am abundant

But I slowly fade with time

Everyone covets me

The world bows down to me

I wield power over the weak minded

Strength over the purest man

I am strong

But not as strong as my sister

She does not fade with time.

She is rare.

The world doesn’t know her.

She is not sought after by many.

No one can destroy her

But I am destructible.

She only enhances me.

In fact, I am nothing without her.

She is the one who gives substance

To my shallow fleeting existence

I can be improved with cash and possessions

But no amount great or small can buy my sister.

She is unfading.

I am fleeting.

Unequal we are.

Yet sisters

I live in high-society

Make my home in Hollywood

But my sister can be found elsewhere

In the lowliest places on earth

She dwells with kindness and compassion

And makes her home with humility and forgiveness

We are opposites

Sometimes seen together

I am rare – she is rarer

We are sisters:

Inward and Outward Beauty

It's been awhile since I've written a poem... I would LOVE your feedback: good, bad, ugly, or that you didn't understand it one bit! :) I don't usually do free verse, but I couldn't seem to rhyme methodically with this one...

Thanks for reading!

Few Regrets

2011-06-13T09:58:00.008-05:00

"All men are like grass,
and all their glory is like the flowers
of the field.
The grass withers and the flowers fall,
because the breath of the Lord blows on them.
Surely the people are grass.
The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of our God stands
forever."

~ Isaiah 40: 6b-8

"Surely the people are grass" .... uhhh yikes. I know "each man's life is but a breath", but I usually don't like to dwell on that, because it honestly makes me feel a little frantic. This is kind of ironic since my entire blog is based around this verse.

But here's the thing: I look forward to events, and then... all too soon, they're over. Time goes so fast... but I don't feel like I'm moving. I still feel like I'm 18 years old.

It scares me sometimes.

So much to do! So much to see! So many things to explore! I don't want to waste it!

The older I become, the more I realize how essential it is to have a close walk with Christ. The only way that I can keep from "wasting" time is to draw close to my Father and determine what HE wants me to do every day. How does HE want me spending my time? Are the things I'm involved in glorifying to Him and beneficial to His kingdom?

Because those are the only things that will outlast this life.

Living for ourselves can be fulfilling... while it lasts. But in the end, we are somehow empty and full of regrets. Perhaps we end up in that broken place because we finally realize that this kingdom is not a kingdom at all in comparison to the place that God has prepared for those who love him.

I don't want to regret this life. I don't want to regret the choices I made or the way I spent my time. I think everyone desires to live with no regrets... but how many people actually achieve this? It might be impossible to live with no regrets, but what if we could live with few?

John 10:10 says:

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

When I think of a full life, I think of security in the arms of Christ, joy in His presence, and overpowering strength to face trials. Regrets do not come to mind. In fact, the only things I regret are the situations where I behaved in an ungodly way, times when I didn't follow the holy spirit's prompting, or missed opportunities to share God's love with other people.

All the things that I regret can be linked back to one common factor: my lack of abiding in Christ.

When I was far from his presence or out of touch with His spirit... those are the times that I did things, or said things, or thought things that I now regret. Every situation that I can think of can be traced back to that one thing.

The secret to a life of few regrets is fully and continually abiding in Christ.*

So we've already determined what we need to do in order to live a life of few regrets... but what do we do with the regrets we already have?

Philippians 3:12-14 might answer this for us:

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

Forgetting what is behind doesn't mean forgetting the lessons God taught us. But what we should be forgetting is the stuff that doesn't matter anymore. In II Corinthians 5, God says that we are a new creation in Christ!

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"

Abiding in Christ deals with having an eternal focus and perspective. When we're abiding, we are no longer looking to the mistakes that we have made in the past. We are focused on walking with Christ in the moment... every single day that we have... with every breath that we take.

This forward focus is what takes our eyes off of ourselves and places them on the cross. Is fulfillment what I desire? Then I must learn to devote myself entirely to Christ and His purposes - for it is only there that I find life to the full.

"What is the secret to great living? Entire separation to Christ and devotion to him. Thus speaks every man and woman whose life has made more than a passing flicker in the spiritual realm. It is the life that has no time for trifling that counts."

- Amy Carmichael

*If you're confused about what it means to abide in Christ, I suggest you read Andrew Murray's book "Abiding in Christ". It's excellent!

"Emmie!"

2011-06-10T13:09:00.005-05:00

I feel like I'm spending the entire summer with children - because I pretty much am! Other 20 somethings might think that playing endless games of peek-a-boo, pushing children on swings, playing with Legos, and always having Elmo on the TV would get old... but not me! I even have two extra car-seats in my car now, just so I can drive the kids around. People probably think I'm a young mom... which doesn't bother me! :)

It's fun and I love it!

Plus, I still have time to do other stuff that I love: workout, read, sleep, go to the pool, and write... just like I'm doing now.

I am so blessed.

The only problem is: I'm falling in love with these two kids! As if I wasn't in love with them already...

There is no greater joy than walking into a room and seeing Lily's big smile as she exclaims "Emmie!" Jackson has taken to calling me "Emmie" as well. I love them. I love being with them. I love being their "big sister" for the summer.

I don't want it all to end...

One Step

2011-06-04T02:42:00.003-05:00

Lately, I've been contemplating my future. There are so many places that I would love to go... so much that I want to see and do. Sometimes I can get overwhelmed because the options are so numerous. Then my prayer becomes "Father, what would YOU have me do? In a world where the possibilities are endless... lead me." The more I pray... the more He seems to answer "Emily... one step at a time." So it was within these thoughts and prayers that the following poem was birthed:

One Step at a Time

One step at a time

On a road full of stairs

If I look too far ahead

I might fall

One step at a time

Trusting

Waiting to see where you lead

But not wanting to spoil what you’re doing

One step at a time

Solid … steady

Unwavering in commitment

To the very next step

One step at a time

Even when the fog is thick

And I stand trembling

Doubting

One step at a time

When the sun shines bright

I’m tempted to run and leap ahead

But still you say to me

One step at a time…

That Time Again

2011-05-07T23:51:00.005-05:00

It's that time of year. The time of year when a lot of the posts on Facebook resemble the ones below:

~ HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY _________!! You are the best mom ever, always giving of yourself for others...I hope that you can enjoy today and let us take care of you! :) Love you soooo so much!!! xoxoxoxoxoxo

~If you have an amazing mother, put this as your status!

~ At 3yrs " Mommy I love you."

At 10yrs " Mom, whatever."

At 16yrs " My Mom is so annoying."

At 18yrs " I wanna leave this house."

At 25yrs " Mom you were right."......

At 30yrs " I wanna go to Mom's house."

At 50yrs " I don't want to lose my Mom."

At 70yrs " I would give up everything for my Mom to be here with me."

You only have 1 Mom.Post this to your wall if you appreciate and love your Mom ♥

It's the time of year when my heart hurts a little more inside; when I can't escape the memories, thoughts, and feelings... about her. Emails titled "Get your Mother's Day gifts 50% off" and "Mother's Day is just around the corner!" cause little tears to form in the corners of my eyes... but there's no escaping them. I can't shut myself out from the world for the entire month leading up to the holiday.

My Facebook status would probably be something more like this:

At 3yrs " Mommy I love you."

At 10yrs " Mom, you're everything to me, even though we argue."

At 16yrs " This can't possibly be my last birthday with you..."

At 18yrs " Mom, I wish I could ask you ____________."

At 25yrs " I'm picking out a wedding dress... without you."

At 30yrs " My baby keeps screaming and I don't know what to do... wish I could call you."

At 50yrs" I haven't forgotten... and I still miss you."

At 70yrs " I would give up everything to be with you, just one more day."

And then there's eternity: Together. Forever.

But even though I know that... even though I understand that I will see her again and that our joy will be complete, it still hurts that I can't give her a hug today... that she can't come to my choir concert, or meet all my college friends; that she isn't here for my 21st birthday tomorrow, and that our last conversation was almost four and a half years ago.

I loved her. I love her still.

I also love how God continues to strengthen and uphold my family and I... even in the hardest times; His hand can be clearly seen. My heart does ache that my mom is not here to hold but it only causes me to more fully abide in my Savior, Jesus Christ.

He is my hope...

He is my light, my strength, my song.

This cornerstone.

This solid ground.

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love!

What depths of peace!

When fears are stilled

When strivings cease.

My comforter.

My all in all.

Here in the love of Christ.

I stand.

Pressing the Pause Button

2011-04-26T10:57:00.003-05:00

Dear God,

Last week, I hit the pause button. Not the pause button for life. Or even the pause button on my busy schedule.

I hit the pause button on my relationship with you.

I know it was dumb of me. So many papers and tests and homework and projects – the pile grew so large that I decided that something else had to be put on hold for just a little bit.

You became that “something else”.

I didn’t consciously choose to put You on pause. But our relationship stopped regardless of my choice or subconscious motives.

Jesus, I’m sorry.

I haven’t been talking to You like I normally do. I haven’t been spending time alone just being still in Your presence. I haven’t allowed You to fill me like only You can.

Lord, you were an afterthought.

God forgive me.

I wasn’t thinking about You this weekend.

This weekend… of all weekends.

Resurrection weekend.

The weekend when Your love altered history. The weekend when You had me on Your mind and in Your heart as You hung there… dying for me.

Oh Lord, I’m so unworthy. So disgusted at my lack of effort in placing You at the center of my heart and priorities.

When the pile of “stuff” to do gets so high I can’t see anymore, help me to remember that it’s only “stuff”. If this life is all there is, then it’s perfectly fine to place all my time and energy into stuff.

But if this is only a taste… a preview… the prologue of the true novel that hasn’t yet begun; Oh Father, forgive me! How can I be so blind?

Instead of focusing on this fleeting prologue that we call “life”, help me to focus on the everlasting epilogue… the story You’re writing that doesn’t end. I plead with You to help me remember that in my times of greatest busyness, You should become even more of a priority than when I have extra time.

Jesus, what You did on the cross for me was incredible. Indescribable. Totally humbling.

You know better than anyone else that I will continually be unworthy. That anything I do will never measure up to Your ultimate sacrifice of love.

It’s overwhelming that You would die for me…. when I fail over and over to give You priority.

But even when I keep pressing the pause button, You never fail me. You continue to love me. And in Your strong, yet quiet way… You draw me back to yourself.

Complete

2011-04-23T15:14:00.006-05:00

There is just something overwhelmingly beautiful about waiting on the Lord's plan.
He can write better stories than anyone else can

Watching His hand bless others abundantly through grace
Make me want to be obedient to the Lord's pace

I question.
I doubt.
I wonder if it's worth it.
Should I just do without?

"You'll just know" people say
But how will I know you've brought me the one
to whom I can give my heart away?

Lord, lead me.
I need you more than anything.
You've locked up my heart and taken the key.

Faithfulness is what I need
So blind me, close my eyes... until the time is right.
Purify every word and deed
I'm looking toward Your radiant light

Jesus, You alone can fulfill
Thank you for this abiding contentment
My one desire is to be in the center of Your will

But if... even in that place
There are no others
I'm confident that Your face
Will satisfy deeper than earthly lovers

Your beauty overwhelms me as I look
To You for the peace my heart craves
My paralyzing fear and shame You took
I praise You! Because Your love is a love that saves.

Please, dear Father, direct every step of mine.
Give me Your heartbeat
I pray continually: Not my will. Thine.
Only there am I satisfied, whole, and complete.

You

2011-04-13T13:32:00.006-05:00

A picture is worth a thousand words
But a picture is all I have
Memories are all I have
Mom, what I wouldn't do
To exchange one more word with you

Bittersweet tears run down my cheeks
I remember the joyous times
I remember the painful times
Time.
All of it precious
What a wouldn't give for a little more
With you

To feel your arms around me today
To see you smile
To sing "Happy Birthday"
What I wouldn't do, Mom
To be with you.

I love you.
Still.
Always.

Thoughts on a Tuesday Evening...

2011-02-15T20:05:00.003-06:00

I'm so amazed sometimes at how fast things change.

One year ago I didn't even know where God was leading my life... now I'm going to Sterling and majoring in something that I feel called to do - even though it wasn't at all "my plan". I stand in complete awe at the way that He leads and guides me.

So far, this year has been one of great rejoicing for me. I have tasted beautiful authentic freedom. I have had the opportunity to minister in many different avenues - youth, peers, as well as adults. God has been working on my heart and transforming my mind. No WAY am I perfect. But HE is at work in me... and that alone calls for great rejoicing.

Today I was reminded of God's incredible love for me. As I walked from class to class this morning, the sun on my face enveloped me in warmth. It's funny that I can feel so loved by my Maker simply by walking in His creation, but it's true. Joy fills my heart... especially on beautiful days that are warmer than 40 degrees... :)

Do you know this love? Do you know this joy? It can't be matched anywhere by anyone. Only Christ fills like this... and what He brings is lasting.

Remembering

2011-01-12T14:08:00.000-06:00

Remembering

Salty tears roll down my cheeks

But I don’t wipe them away.

Remembering.

Many nights I’ve lain awake

Remembering.

I let music sweep me away

To another place

Remembering.

I still see your smile

And long for your arms around me

Remembering.

I watch a mother and daughter pair

Shopping together

Remembering.

It used to be you and I

Inseparable.

Remembering.

Your voice used to sing

In melody with mine

Remembering.

Your hand, so gentle

Yet filled with strength

Remembering

Crying in your arms

Fear gripping my heart

Remembering

Your smile so brilliant

Remembering.

The concern on your face

When I would fall down as a child

Remembering.

The sweet smell of your embrace.

Remembering.

Clothed in wisdom and guidance

You spoke.

Remembering.

But then, lying there helpless

Thin and hairless

Remembering.

Courage shown through

In your beautiful eyes

Remembering.

Crying out to God

In the middle of a field

Remembering.

I wanted so desperately for him to save you

Remembering.

Family game nights and movie nights

You always made everything so fun.

Remembering.

Our hearts almost felt as one.

Remembering.

Saying goodbye to you

That sunny November day

Remembering.

I held my crying sister

As they drove your earthly body away.

Remembering.

The deepest sorrow

Gripped my heart

Remembering.

But peace and hope

And a little glimmer of light

Remembering.

You are still gone

So I’m caught here

Remembering.

Photobooks and Photography...

2010-12-26T11:35:00.002-06:00

My dad is ALWAYS so hard to buy for... so this year, I decided to create a photo book of engagement photos that I took using the Shutterfly website. Luckily, they loved it!

If you want to take a peak, I linked it up below.

To view more of my photography you can go to my website EMAGES or become a fan of me on Facebook using the box I posted up at the top.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!

Click here to view this photo book larger

What breaks are made of...

2010-12-16T10:53:00.007-06:00

What are breaks made of?

Eating lots of food, sleeping until noon, and spending time with family...
That's what the best breaks are made of....

HI friends! Wow, I know it's been so long since I've updated my blog. College is done for this semester, so I'm extremely excited about that! The break has been just wonderful so far. I checked my final grades and I think I got A's all across the board... woohoo!

AND I just found out that I'm singing a solo in Cabaret at college in January - not sure about that date yet. Some of you might wonder what I'm singing... I'll give you a hint:

Yep, she sings it! Colors of the Wind is the song that I auditioned with, and apparently they thought it was good enough to sing during Cabaret. I'm really excited! But stinking nervous... I haven't done too many solos in my life. SCARY.

On a completely different note, I've been doing photography lately - trying to get my business up and running. I have an engagement session this Saturday, so that should be fun! Here are a few of my favorite shots from my dad's engagement session:

You can view more of my work here: www.zemages.com

And now... I must go fill out more of an application that has been looming over my head for the past few weeks. :(

Blessings to you all! And Merry Christmas!

Twas the Night before Finals Week

2010-12-05T23:49:00.002-06:00

Twas the night before finals week, and all through the dorm
Every girl was stirring - studying up a storm

Last minute cramming was a common sight
Until the first break of morning light

At 1am, not one student was tucked into bed
Visions of papers and exams danced in their heads

..............................

And that's all I have to say about that right now
My brain is fried and I'm exhausted anyhow

Sterling College finals will soon come to an end
And I know that God will continue to be my friend

:D

(This is just proof that I'm going a little crazy...)

Have Peanut M&M's Ever Made You Cry?

2010-09-13T16:24:00.004-05:00

Yeah, me neither.

Until today.

After finishing a paper for my Special Needs Education class in record time, I decided to go down to the vending machine in the lobby of our dorm. The intention was to reward myself with something sweet.

Unfortunately, the selection wasn't very good, but they had tropical Skittles... so I decided to go with that. The machine wouldn't take my dollar bill, which was frustrating. I spent more time than I should have digging through my wallet to find some spare change.

FINALLY I found 75 cents worth of coins... and pressed D1, with the intention of pressing the zero after that because the Skittles were D10.

Well... as I'm sure you've already guessed, D1 has it's own type of candy and there is an entirely separate button for D10. Which I blindly didn't notice until after I had already pushed D1.

So there I stood... watching a yellow bag of peanut M&M's fall instead of my tropical Skittles.

Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion as I bent down to grab them out of the machine; a million thoughts and memories flooding my mind. Once I was back in my room, I ripped open the package, slightly annoyed that the machine wouldn't take a dollar bill and I had used all my change on the peanut M&M's that weren't even my favorite.

"But they were someones favorite."

And at that thought, tears started welling up in my eyes. I glanced around the room, frantically wanting to prevent the tears because I knew that once they started, it would be hard to get them to stop.

But my strength to control them failed when my eyes fell on a red book called "Corduroy":

I had picked this book up at a garage sale a few days before. From the outside looking in, you'd think that it was just an ordinary book. But to me, it's a book full of memories. Memories of cuddling up on the couch with my mom as she read it to me - her voice full of character and animation. I could hear her voice as my eyes took in every sentence.

So there I was... sitting on my roommates bed, eating peanut M&M's, reading "Corduroy", and crying....

Missing her.

Know Nothing

2010-09-11T08:12:00.003-05:00

I sat down this morning, surprised that I felt so inspired to write. Ironically, I couldn't think of one meaningful thing to talk about. Suddenly this verse from 1 Corinthians popped into my mind:

"For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified."

Wow.

How about I write about nothing else but Jesus Christ and him crucified?

Friends, what if we really took this verse to heart? It's not the only one in the Bible like it... there are many others. What if we really did vow to know, talk about, and meditate only upon Christ? My guess is that our lives would be transformed in a greater way than we could ever imagine.

Obviously, in the every day tasks of life there are things that we need to think upon that are simply necessities - such as meals, cleaning, grocery shopping, school, etc. But what if in these daily tasks we were constantly keeping the Lord in mind... ready to go to him with any prayer or request the minute we encounter a need. There is no way that a life of total dedication and abandonment like that is ever left unchanged.

So today... as you go about those daily chores and duties, know nothing but Jesus Christ and him crucified! Meditate on this truth. He is more than worthy of all our affection, attention, and dedication.

Growing Slowly

2010-09-02T12:24:00.002-05:00

"Be not afraid of growing slowly - be afraid only of standing still."

I was sitting in my cultural diversity class a few days ago and we were discussing ancient proverbs from different cultures. My teacher handed us a list and told us to look them over. I just scanned the list quickly, knowing that some of them were a bunch of hogwash. I mean, we already have a whole book of Proverbs in the Bible, right? Why did I need to read any more?

WELL...

As I was moving quickly down the list, I came to the Chinese proverbs. Suddenly, one of them caught my eye and just seemed to jump right off the page:

"Be not afraid of growing slowly - be afraid only of standing still."

Amazed, I set the paper down as I tried to grasp my mind around the deeper meaning contained within the proverb. Some people might only think about the physical aspect of growing or about growing in knowledge. But immediately, my mind jumped to my spiritual walk.

How many times in the past had I become impatient because I didn't feel close to the Lord? How many times had I wondered why I couldn't seem to make the difference for Christ that I desperately wanted to make? How many times had I tried to force myself into spiritual submission?

I wanted to grow... FAST.

I wanted to see that spiritual growth.

I wanted to become a world-changer... overnight.

But then I read this proverb and realized something. I shouldn't be afraid of growing slowly - just as long as I'm growing. When I'm frozen in my spiritual growth is the point where I should become concerned. Growing is so important... but no one can grow a tree overnight. Walking day by day with my Lord, even through the valley, is just as important as when He takes me to those spiritual mountaintops where everything looks clear.

So I just want to encourage you today... don't give up if you feel like you're growing slowly! Look for the little ways that God is working in your life... and don't you dare give up. He is not finished with you yet.

Sterling Wildlife

2010-08-26T22:53:00.003-05:00

So... right now I'm writing to you from the campus library... because wireless internet is down campus-wide. We recieved an email today that said it should be restored by tomorrow at 5pm. WOOT WOOT! As Switchfoot says "You never know what you got until it's gone." :)

Today I had my first encounter with Sterling wildlife. It was night... and I had just come outside to take some friends back to the lake where they had left their car,

WHEN SUDDENLY...

A BIG HAIRY THING WITH A LONG PINK TAIL RAN UNDERNEATH MY CAR.

I gasped.

Never had I seen such a hideous looking thing.

My friends screamed.

One of them shouted "It's an opposum!"

Grossness. First the rat named Stewart, and now this.

After scaring it out from underneath my car we chased it from car to car... and finally abandoned the thing because it was getting late.

Poor thing.

Perhaps we should have named him McHairy. Then my dorm, McCreery, can have it's very own mascot.

Perhaps not.

Can you say GROSS?

2010-08-24T17:17:00.002-05:00

I'm sitting at my house... wait. No I'm not. I'm sitting in my DORM ROOM... underneath my loft bed. How weird is that!?

Hi friends! For those of you that don't know already, I transferred to an amazing little college in an amazing little town in the middle of an amazing little state. Okay, that's not completely true. Kansas isn't really THAT little... but it's smaller than Texas. :)

I am absolutely loving the campus, the people, the atmosphere of my dorm (McCreery Girls ROCK! WOOT!), my R.A. Candice, my professors, my awesome advisers, and the administration that has been so helpful to me. It's a lot cooler today, which is really nice. I enjoyed going to a variety show that the college staff and R.A's put on last night. It was entertaining... and white shirts - you guys were TOO FUNNY! HA... some of you people back home might not understand, but that's okay. I don't really know how to explain it other than by saying that is was basically like a mime act with high-pitched screaming and running around like wild banshees. So anyway, that was a lot of fun.

I almost ate a rat.

That too, is something that you people back home won't understand. I was selected out of the audience (THANKS KAYLA AND SALIMA!) and blindfolded. Then I was told to grab things out of a cup and eat them, while identifying them as fast as I could. At one point I reached in and grabbed a handful of fur... and then the fur moved. I screamed and when they took the blindfold off, I saw a white mouse (That was ALIVE) in the cup that I had just put my hand in. Can somebody say GROSS? Yes... gross. That's what it was. Then, rumors started flying that I was crying when I walked off of the stage ... because I was laughing so hard that tears were coming out of my eyes.

Ha. What a night.

Classes started today too. I took Intro to Children With Special Needs this morning, as well as Fundamentals of Teaching Reading. Then, this afternoon, I took Language Arts for Elementary Teachers. They were all very interesting and reaffirmed the fact that Elementary Education is exactly the major that God wants me in.

Well, thanks for reading all this randomness... come visit again soon!

By His Grace,

A Call to Arms...NOW

2010-08-17T15:14:00.003-05:00

How many times have you said to yourself "When I finally reach ____________, THEN my life will really start,". When I finally reach graduation, marriage, the milestone of starting a family... then I will be totally content. But until that time, I can't really serve Christ in an effective way.

What a lie.

An amazing battle is won by the enemy when we are convinced that the stuff we do right now is just "filling the time" until true life begins. How much more effective could we be if we decided:

Right now.

Today.

To take up that spiritual armor and fight the battles of God. Whether it's fighting to have a good attitude when things don't go as planned, fighting to get out of bed again in the morning, fighting to forgive someone, fighting for joy in the midst of a busy life, fighting for purity in a world of filth, fighting the temptation to judge others, fighting anxiety and fear..................fighting.

And yet, I'm so guilty to play the part of a bystander on the sidelines of a combat zone. Believing lies that I am not qualified to fight... not qualified to put on that shining breastplate of righteousness, that powerful belt of truth, that victorious sword of the spirit, I stand... imaginging one day being "worthy" enough to take up that armor.

Weapons are handed to me by fellow bystanders. They offer me everything. From self-help books to chocolate to companionship... each minute assuring me that these things are strong enough to fight my battles for me. An easy fix... but in the end they are only a string of distractions and leave me empty.

Jesus. He calls to me... pleads with me to gird myself in the spiritual armor that He offers. He promises that it will be strong enough to thwart the schemes of my greatest fear and enemy: satan and his lies.

Not only that, but he says "Emily, take up the armor right NOW. Quit waiting until you're good enough, because that day will never come. In the meantime, you could be winning mighty battles in your own heart and in MY Kingdom."

Friends, now is the time. What are you waiting for? None of us are promised even another day on this earth. Take up the spiritual armor that is discussed in Ephesians 6 and start fighting your battles! If God is for us, WHO can be against us? How much more could you and I be accomplishing for the kingdom if we laid aside the thought that we'll do it tomorrow! Life doesn't start when we finally reach that perfect salary earning, marry that perfect person, or have a perfect family. Life is NOW. Don't miss what God has for you now because you're so busy looking behind you or in front of you. Look at what you have right here before you and thank God for the opportunity to serve Him NOW.

Don't wait. :)

Blog Facelift... And a Very Un-inspiring Post.

2010-08-15T01:20:00.003-05:00

Is it raining where you are at right now? It was raining and storming here this evening. I haven't felt like writing in quite awhile, but the rain seemed to trigger something deep within my heart and I felt inspired. So inspired in fact, that I pulled up my blog... only to discover that the background that I used was removed from the web! SO... not only did my blog not have a background and looked horribly messy... it didn't look like an inspiring place to write... or read for that matter.

What goes without telling is the fact that I spent the last few hours making over my blog. Hopefully you all like it! It needed a face-lift anyways...

SO.... now that it's done... I'm feeling very UN-inspired to write. Very tired. And I have church in the morning. I hope you all don't mind too terribly much! Hopefully soon I'll have time to catch you up on what's been happening in my life lately.... because it's CRAZY EXCITING!

Feeling Worthless? I Can Identify...

2010-07-10T16:21:00.006-05:00

FRIENDS... wow. I don't really like being away from the Internet for such a long time. I'm working at a camp this summer for those of you who don't know, so that's why I haven't appeared on here in such a long while. However, I think that falling away from my Internet buddies for a few weeks or months to draw closer to my Heavenly Father is really worth it in the end. He's teaching me so much out at camp... I can't even begin to explain. What I CAN explain though, is this poem that I wrote a few mornings ago. I was really struggling with several things that were just weighing my heart down. Feelings of worthlessness plagued my mind as I wrestled with thoughts of confusion and doubt. But before I totally lost it, God reminded me of where my identity and worth truly lies.

7/5/2010

Lord, my heart turns to you once more

It's broken pieces shattered on the floor.

"You'll never be worth anything - you're just a waste"

These thoughts and others fill my mind - the cup of rejection I do taste.

"Your personality is all wrong for a woman of God"

"You try and play all these "Christian games, but inside you're just a fraud.

"No one will ever love you - you'll just have to live with it."

"A mis-matched character in a matched up world - you'll never fit."

But the Lord in Heaven looks down from on high

Doesn't see me as a mistake - but as an opportunity to lay down his life and die.

Would he have the chance to do everything all over again

He wouldn't change who he made me to be - wouldn't change his plan.

The personality that he gave me - he fully intends to use

To bring about his desired purposes and the plans that he will choose.

Wholly loved and wholly forgiven

When I cry, tears fall from my Father in Heaven.

He sees the pain that is ever before my eyes

But promises that from the ashes, I will rise.

No longer bound by consuming grief

It's time to start afresh - let God turn over a new leaf

My life is but a breath - a mere flower that soon fades

So as I walk through the trials of this life, help me to always walk in your ways.

Reflecting On Grace, Today...

2010-04-02T09:47:00.002-05:00

As I sit here and reflect this morning... I'm overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by grace. Overwhelmed by feelings of unworthiness. Overwhelmed by the truth that Jesus died and was separated from the Father on that Good Friday thousands of years ago. He was separated from the Father so that I wouldn't have to be.

Can you even comprehend the thought that Jesus had YOU on His mind when He took His last breath on the cross? He loved us with a love that the world has never seen and will never see again until He returns.

I can just picture His gentle eyes, so full of love for the broken world that He came to save. Yet we treated Him with scorn. We spit on Him. We bruised and broke Him... and instead of cursing us, He whispered "Father... forgive them. For they know not what they are doing."

Precious grace shouldn't cover someone like me, but it does. Jesus shouldn't love me, but He does. I shouldn't be clean in the eyes of the Father... but I am.

You see, when Jesus died that day, the earth knew that it's creator had just done the impossible. That He had made a way where there was none before. That He had provided an escape. But not because He wanted earthly glory and honor. He knew that His kingdom was not an earthly kingdom... so He endured the cross. As a result, we can take part in that beautiful, glorious, heavenly kingdom.

Precious Jesus

I'm astounded that my sins are gone and I'm set free
because of what you did on that wonderful cross for Me

My sin brings me to the ground in shame
But on that precious cross, You took the blame

Jesus, I simply can't find the words to speak
I'm amazed that you still love me, even when I'm weak

Through trials and storms, you never leave my side
My beautiful Savior; my pure and perfect guide

Come resurrect my heart this good Friday
And fix my thoughts on the great debt that you chose to pay

Jesus, you were the one and only perfect price
May I never forget nor take for granted Your sacrifice

BOO! Did I surprise you?

2010-03-31T13:26:00.002-05:00

Yeah, I know. I bet you've been wondering if I fell off the face of the earth.

Well I did....

but now I'm back. *cheesy grin*

So... how have your lives been for the past few months? Life was moving along just fine for me and then *BAM*... school started. Suddenly... my time was sucked into this extreme vortex of activities, assignments, and study hours. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Yes.... attack of the homework.

BUT... despite all this, my relationship with Christ is deepening. He seems to teach me the most through the darkest nights. I still have a long way to go... but the road is looking bright. :)

Hmmmm... what else can I tell you all about...

OH! So, I got hired to work out at a camp this summer! I'm incredibly excited about this opportunity to minister to youth while growing in my own faith. May Christ live through me and use me ALWAYS. Not for MY glory, but for HIS.

Well... I better go now. My college algebra homework is staring me in the face... and it's face is NOT pretty to look at... so I better just go get it over with.

Happy Spring to all of you!

Need to WRITE and BE RIGHT!

2010-01-03T01:16:00.002-06:00

I've been feeling the urge to write lately... but not just frills and fun. Something DEEP... something meaningful. Something *gulp*... a little personal that I've been learning.

Now... to the deep stuff: I have this horrible thing with being right. It's really annoying and I've always wondered why I feel like I have to be right about things... even things that don't really matter. Someone finally labeled it as selfishness. At first I rejected that because it sounded too dirty. SELFishness... what a title. That makes me sound like an unthoughtful, uncaring person.

But then I realized...

That I AM an unthoughtful uncaring person.

The only good that is in me, is the work that Christ Jesus has done in me. For there is "no one that is good... not even one." My selfishness eats away at my joy, if I don't continually work to overcome that nature with Christ's help. He alone is my strength, and apart from Him... I am a pathetic wretch. Never in my life have I been so aware of my own selfishness as this present time. If "I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me," then why is it so hard to overcome this selfishness? Because my flesh keeps reverting back to it's old ways.

Which is why I need

but don't deserve,

a Savior.

Thank you Jesus for that precious cross.

Unworthy yet accepted,

Musings on Mary...

2009-12-16T09:57:00.002-06:00

Good morning! I hope you all enjoy this devotional by Elisabeth Elliot that I received in my inbox this morning. It's a beautiful in-depth look at Mary, the mother of Jesus. I'm too busy to write a lot today... because it's the LAST DAY OF SCHOOL! All my finals are due today... so I need to get to it!

Author: Elisabeth Elliot

Source: Keep A Quiet Heart

Scripture Reference: Colossians 3:3

The Mother of the Lord

"We see her first, that little Mary (may I say little? I think she was a teenager), as a simple village girl in a poor home in an out-of-the-way place. She is bending over her work when suddenly the light changes. She raises her eyes. A dazzling stranger stands before her with a puzzling greeting. He calls her "most favored one" and tells her the Lord is with her. She is stunned. I don't believe her thought is of herself (Who am I? or Am I ever lucky!). Mary is troubled. She discerns at once that this has to do with things infinitely larger than herself, far beyond her understanding. What can it mean?

The angel does not weigh in immediately with the stupendous message he has been sent to deliver. He first comforts her. "Don't be afraid, Mary." Mary. She is not a stranger to him. He is assuring her that he has the right person. He explains what she has been chosen for--to be the mother of the Son of the Most High, a king whose reign will be forever. She has one question now--not about the Most High, not about an eternal king--those are things too high for her--but motherhood is another matter. She understands motherhood, has been looking forward to it with great happiness. Her question is about that: "How can this be? I am still a virgin." He does not really explain. He simply states a mystery: "The power of the Most High will overshadow you." He goes on to tell her of another miraculous pregnancy, that of her old cousin Elisabeth, well past child-bearing age. "God's promises can never fail," he says. They won't fail for you, Mary. Rest assured.

How will the girl respond? She is at once totally at the disposal of her Lord (she sees that the visitor is from Him). Whatever the mystery, whatever the divine reasons for choosing her, whatever the inconveniences, even disasters (broken engagement? stoning to death--the punishment of a fornicator?) which she may be required to face, her answer is unequivocal and instant: "Here I am. I am the Lord's servant; let it be as you have told me." Anything, Lord.

We see her next with Elisabeth, who, by the manner of Mary's greeting and by her own baby's sudden movement in her womb, knows immediately that God has chosen Mary to be the mother of the Lord. They don't sit down over coffee and chatter about the gynecology or the practical logistics or what people are going to say. Mary sings her song of gladness, of thoroughgoing acceptance of the gift, of trust in the Mighty One.

We see her sweating in the cold of the stable, putting her own life on the line, as every mother must do, in order to give life to somebody else. We see her with the tough shepherds, breathlessly telling their story of the glory of the Lord and the singing of the angel choir. Everyone else is astonished (a word which comes from "thunderstruck"), but Mary does not join the excited babble. She is quiet, treasuring all these things, pondering them deep in her heart. We see her with the mysterious travelers from the East bringing their lavish gifts. She says nothing as they kneel before the baby she holds in her arms. We see her on the donkey again, on the roundabout journey to Egypt because her husband has been given a secret message in a dream. She does not balk, she does not argue.

We see her in the temple handing over her baby to old Simeon, to whom the Holy Spirit has revealed the child's amazing destiny: a revelation to the heathen, glory to Israel. But to Mary he gives the far deeper message of suffering, for there is no glory that is not bought by suffering: her son will suffer--he will be a sign which men reject; she, his mother, will suffer, will be pierced to the heart. No question or answer from her is recorded. Again we know only her silence.

We see nothing of her for twelve years--days and nights, weeks and months, years and years of caring for the infant, the toddler, the little boy, the adolescent. There is no mention of any of that. Mary has no witness, no limelight, no special recognition of any kind. She is not Mother of the Year. Hers is a life lived in the ordinary necessity of their poverty and their humanity, no one paying attention to her attention to Him. Whatever the level of her comprehension as to the nature of this boy, she knows He was given to her. She remembers how. She treasures all this. She ponders things in the silence of her heart. Did she share any of them with Joseph? Could she? Could he receive them? We know next to nothing of the dynamics between them. She was content to be silent before God.

The apostle Paul tells us we are "hidden with Christ in God" (Colossians 3:3, NIV}. There is mystery there, but when I think of the life of Mary, I see some facets of that mystery that I missed when I read the apostle. Hers was a hidden life, a faithful one, a holy one--holy in the context of a humble home in a small village where there was not very much diversion. She knew that the ordinary duties were ordained for her as much as the extraordinary way in which they became her assignment. She struck no poses. She was the mother of a baby, willing to be known simply as his mother for the rest of her life. He was an extraordinary baby, the Eternal Word, but His needs were very ordinary, very daily, to his mother. Did she imagine that she deserved to be the chosen mother? Did she see herself as fully qualified? Surely not. Surely not more than any other woman who finds herself endowed with the awesome gift of a child. It is the most humbling experience of a woman's life, the most revealing of her own helplessness. Yet we know this mother, Mary, the humble virgin from Nazareth, as "Most Highly Exalted."

I am thanking God that unto us a Child was born. I am thanking Him also that there was a pure-hearted woman prepared to receive that Child with all that motherhood would mean of daily trust, daily dependence, daily obedience. I thank Him for her silence. That spirit is not in me at all, not naturally. I want to learn what she had learned so early: the deep guarding in her heart of each event, mulling over its meaning from God, waiting in silence for His word to her.

I want to learn, too, that it is not an extraordinary spirituality that makes one refuse to do ordinary work, but a wish to prove that one is not ordinary--which is a dead giveaway of spiritual conceit. I want to respond in unhesitating obedience as she did: Anything You say, Lord.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."

Been awhile.... again...

2009-12-10T14:06:00.003-06:00

So, I'm pretty sure that there will come a day when I will NOT have to say "I'm sorry it's been awhile and I haven't posted in like a month..."

But here I am again... saying I'm sorry that it's been awhile.

My life has been utter craziness. No joke. This week is finals week, which makes it even more crazy.

OH OH OH.... so I got new glasses today!!!! Exciting!!!! I really needed new ones... I would put up a picture, but I have BRACES now too.... yes. So no pictures are going to circulate around the web if I have anything to do with it.

(Actually, the real reason is that I don't have time to upload a picture of myself in glasses and put it on here. Maybe I'll put one up later....)

I hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas season! Christ is risen and living!!!!

OH OH... and I want you all to know that I just got invited to be a co-author on a devotional site that was recently started. I'll link you up when it gets going, which should be January 1st. I'm excited to write about different chapters from books of the Bible! Stay tuned. :)

A little thought...

2009-11-19T09:40:00.002-06:00

A thought by Elisabeth Elliot:

"The original sin, pride, is behind my "poor self-image," for I felt that I deserved better than I got, which is exactly what Eve felt! So it was pride, not poor self-image, that had to go. If I'm so beautiful and lovable, what was Jesus doing up there, nailed to the cross and crowned with thorns? Why all that hideous suffering for the pure Son of God? Here's why: There was no other way to deliver us from the hell of our own proud self-loving selves, no other way out of the bondage of self-pity and self-congratulation. How shall we take our stand beneath the cross of Jesus and continue to love the selves that put Him there? How can we survey the wondrous cross and at the same time feed our pride? No. It won't work. Jesus put it simply: If you want to be My disciple, you must leave self behind, take up the cross, and follow Me."

Lord break my pride and renew me. Help me to leave self behind and look towards your beautiful cross.

A Little Bit of Seeking...

2009-11-18T14:09:00.003-06:00

"Rushing wind, blow through this temple,

Blowing out the dust within;

Come and breathe your breath upon me:

I've been born again."

~Keith Green~

This is my prayer. That my Lord's rushing wind would blow through this dusty temple of mine and breathe His breath upon me.

Lately I've been feeling a bit spiritually stagnant in my walk with the Father. I desperately want him to reveal new things to me, but often times I feel like He's silent. I've been doing so much since we moved home that I haven't MADE the time to really wholeheartedly seek him. Needless to say, I can't wait for Christmas break.

Yesterday, I decided to take Shauna to the new library that just opened. It's only about ten minutes from our house, which is nice and convenient. It's SO nice compared to the old one! There is a lot of room for expansion as well.

Anyway, as I was looking through the shelves, I stumbled upon some audio books. Now, I haven't really listened to many audio books before, just because they don't usually have ones that I want. However, I found one yesterday that I decided to check it out called "The Secret Things of God - Unlocking the Treasures Reserved for You". The author of the book is Henry Cloud, who is also the author of "Boundaries" which is a book that I just finished reading. (It's GREAT by the way!)

Yesterday, as I was listening to the first few chapters of this audio book, he was talking about seeking God. The verse that almost everyone knows in Jeremiah 29 says:

""For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

However, most people only quote that one verse. Verses 12,13, and 14 are equally beautiful in my opinion:

"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord."

The Lord PROMISES that we will find him if we are faithful to seek! He says that he WILL be found by us! How amazing!

It suddenly struck me in the car last night. My problem has been that I whine and complain about not knowing his will and not finding him, but then I also fail to spend consistent time reading His word. I don't consistently search for Him with all of my heart... but He promises that if I do... I will find Him.

He wants to be found by me.

"Oh Lord, please make me faithful to you! Make me yearn to spend time with you and be close to you. I want to consistently seek you because I long to find you, Lord. Fill my heart with a desire for your word and purge my heart of selfishness. You promise that I will find you if I seek you with all my heart... so blow out the dust within this temple and help me to be faithful."

Rejoicing Comes in the Morning!

2009-10-29T12:37:00.004-05:00

Wow folks. It's been awhile. But, now I actually have some time to sit down and WRITE!

I'm in a writing mood today - more of a praising mood really. I have so much to be thankful for.

The movers came this past Monday, so all of our stuff is now gone except for the stuff that we're taking with us on the plane. I'm really excited to move back to the States. I'll be able to drive, I'll feel at home in my own room, own church, own circle of fellowship. I'm really looking forward to it.

My life seems to be all about changes right now. Moving home, college classes, friendships... things are just... changing. I'm EXCITED about the changes because I know that God holds me in the palm of his strong hands. His love is so completely sufficient. It's so much more than I ever thought it could be. I'm so blessed to be able to walk with Him daily and grow in that wisdom that I so crave.

My life has been beautiful. Some days I look back and can't believe how abundant the blessings have been. Hitting the rock bottom has enabled me to feel those mountain tops like never before. I wish there was a better way of putting it into words, but there just isn't.

I've been thinking a lot about my mom lately. Had a good time crying the other night because I just wished that she were here to enjoy the mountain tops with me. Something about a mother's love makes you feel secure and alive. God's love then multiplies the feeling by a hundred. :) But there are some things that I wish she were here to share with me. Some days I stare into space and envision her face - trying to picture her reactions to the life that I'm living right now.

Whether I like it or not, life continues to change. Have you ever felt like you want to just stay in one moment of life forever? I remember when I was ten how I felt like I was the happiest and most blessed little girl on the face of the earth. I wanted to play with my Barbies forever. :) I thought that life couldn't get any better.

But as I've gotten older, I've realized that every season of life has it's joys and sorrows. The sorrows of life aren't necessarily "bad" though. If there were no sorrows, how could we tell sorrows from joys? No, sorrows are necessary. They are a part of living life. Jesus himself was "a man of sorrows and familiar with suffering."

Praise the Lord then that "sorrow lasts for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." If you're in a low spot today, look towards your maker. He will turn your crying into laughing and your mourning into beautiful dancing. Looking to the Father is the greatest way to overcome the trials, disappointments, and tests of this life.

And now.. I must stop, because we are going to eat out one last time tonight. We leave tomorrow at noon and then fly out on Saturday. Prayers would be appreciated. Thank you friends!!!

Gelato.... photo of the day! :)

2009-10-08T03:18:00.006-05:00

So... this is today's photo. I even made it LARGE!!! WOOOOOOOOO!!! I actually got up early today and decided to give you all a photo to start your day. Enjoy!

ITALIAN GELATO!!!! YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMY!!!!

But seriously... that's not the picture of the day. This is:

It's a photo that I took while in Rome at St. Peters Basilica situated inside the Vatican.

Enjoy your day!

Italy, Bed-Wetting Essays, and the Like...

2009-10-03T09:18:00.006-05:00

Yes yes yes... I KNOW that I don't really have time for this right now, but I'm pretty much fed-up with my child behavior essay on bed-wetting and I'm REALLY needing a break for just a few minutes.

I was shocked and horrified this afternoon to find that the last time I posted was September 17th!!! I have no excuses... other than school and our week long holiday in Italy...which was FANTASTIC by the way. Here are a few pictures from the trip and I would make them bigger, but that takes awhile and I don't want to mess with it at the moment. :)

Someone decided to ship a package of Kleenex :D

Venice! And YES we DID take a Gondola ride! :)

I know this picture is kind of dark, but it's me on the edge of Lake Garda at sunset.

This photo was taken in Venice. There were SO many streets like this. Everywhere we looked there was another beautiful scene. It was fantastic.

This was taken on lake Garda... I thought it looked like a movie set or something!

So there you go! There is a TINY taste of Italy... I have so many more pictures, but they take FOREVER TO LOAD... yuck.

So NOW... do you want to know what I have to do this weekend? I'll give you a homework run-down. :)

TODAY:

Finish my three page essay on bed-wetting for my parents and young children class
Read Chapter 6 of my Parenting book
Write out paragraph answers to about 15 questions or so for a specific assignment
Post to the discussion board
Take Chapter 6 quiz

I'm not even going to get into tomorrow... but you get the picture. Actually, despite my horrid complaining, school is actually going quite wonderfully this semester. I'm really enjoying my creative writing class - getting to write poems every week is FUN STUFF! :)

Well, I must get back to my bed-wetting essay now... but that gave me a much needed break. Thanks for reading!

OH... and NEWSFLASH: I will be walking off of an airplane onto AMERICAN soil 28 DAYS FROM TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!!

"Blue Bell" Poem

2009-09-17T09:12:00.005-05:00

Do you remember the story about the blue bear that I posted a few days ago? Well, another assignment that we had was to write a rhyming poem about that experience that we had described. If you haven't read my story yet... you can click here to do so. This poem might not make much sense unless you read the story first. Enjoy!

I saw her sitting there
All deserted and alone
She needed someone to care
A loving place to call her own

Her little body was covered in blue fur
And her beady glass eyes
Told an elaborate tale of her
And her stuffed hearts’ desires, begging me to empathize

But back on the shelf I set her down
Momma said she would make another girl happy
But I still wore an ugly frown
And thought that idea was incredibly sappy

The next time I went into the store
She was gone
And had vanished out the door
Like the early morning colors of dawn

Christmas morning came
And my thoughts weren’t on that blue bear
I refused placing blame
Because I knew she wasn’t there

However, my momma surprised me
When she pulled another gift, wrapped in red
From behind the big tall tree
“It’s one last present for you” she said

I hurriedly threw the tissue paper aside
What it was, I couldn’t quite tell
And then I just about died
As I recognized the furry face of Blue Bell

There she sat
Like that first time in the store
When I gave her head a pat
And her eyes pleaded for more

I held her tight
For my heart was full
After all, my momma was right
Happiness filled this little girl’s soul

Blue Bell

2009-09-15T19:54:00.004-05:00

This is a TRUE story that I wrote for my creative writing class. We were supposed to write about the happiest moment in our lives and this is what stuck with me. It's probably not "THE happiest moment" I've ever had, but it sure is one of them. Let me know what you think, and I MIGHT let you know my grade... haha... once I get it back of course. :)

Blue Bell

It was a few weeks before Christmas and I with my mother who was doing some last minute Christmas and grocery shopping. She always did plan ahead, so we weren’t really looking at anything but food in the local Dillons. However, if you’ve ever been in a Dillons store around Christmas time, you’ve probably also noticed all the extra gift baskets, stuffed animals, candles, and stocking stuffers that they put out to try to entice customers; beseeching us to remember our long lost cousin twice-removed…and how we’ve “forgotten” to buy him that perfect gift.

My mother always did try to rush past this section of the store when my two siblings and I were with her. There is nothing like the ruckus of a noisy disobedient child to disrupt other peoples Christmas shopping. I’m not saying that we were noisy or disobedient children… but Christmas time can often turn the most perfect children into little devils. This particular evening, it was only me and my mother. Being eight years old and her eldest child, I thought myself pretty spiffy and quite “grown-up” to be going with mother to do her shopping.

We had a rule in the store: if you begged, you wouldn’t get what you wanted. However, this rule seemed to fly out the window as I spied a bright blue bear across the aisle. I remember asking my mom if I could go over and look at it. She smiled and said go ahead, so I waltzed over to the place where it sat, all lonely and deserted on the shelf. There were pink bears, green bears, and even yellow bears, but there was not one other blue bear. In my eight year old innocence I felt compassion and pity for the poor thing. Seeing that she was the only blue one on the shelf about broke my heart. I gently picked her up and looked into her glass eyes. Sadness filled my heart, but suddenly I realized that she wouldn’t have to be alone anymore if I could keep her company!

I trotted over to my mother, who was in the checkout line already and quickly explained to her why this exact bear was the “lonely” one and how her blue fluffy little body “needed me”. Of course my mother gave the answer that is common among mothers during the holiday season: “Christmas is coming”. A small tear started to form in the corner of my eye as I desperately tried to explain to my mother that this dear bear was the only blue one left on the shelf… and that it might not be there again because someone else might buy it before Christmas. My mother compassionately grasp the bear with one hand and stared into its beady glass eyes, just as I had done. I was absolutely crushed to realize that she didn’t see the sadness and loneliness in its face like I did. Finally, she handed it back to me and responded: “Well, maybe some other girl really wants a blue bear for Christmas…and if we bought it, she wouldn’t get one, would she?” This was the only thing that seemed to console me and I hesitantly went and placed “my” beautiful blue bear back onto the shelf amongst the other colorful stuffed animals.

The days until Christmas started getting fewer and fewer. Every time my mother went to Dillons I would always check and see if “Blue Bell” was still there. However, I only had to check once, because she was already gone when we walked into the store again a few days later. I was crushed and literally cried some tears about my dear bear being gone. But then I would think of the lucky young girl who was going to give her a good home this Christmas and I would smile while trying to imagine her happiness at receiving “such a nice bear” as a gift.

As soon as Blue Bell disappeared from the store, it was as if she disappeared from my mind as well. I thought about her several more times…but was no longer hoping to receive her for Christmas… since she was already going to another little girl.

Christmas morning came…and I opened all my presents, never giving a second thought to that little blue bear that had captured my attention as well as my eight year old heart. However, not too many things escape a mothers notice and she turned to me wearing one of her huge famous smiles as she pulled one last package out from behind the tree. I was afraid to breathe as I pulled the tissue paper from the lovely decorated bag. To my complete joy and utter amazement, there sat my dear Blue Bell… looking as perfect as when I fell in love with her that first day in Dillons. I screamed and immediately got up and started running around the house yelling “Blue Bell! Blue Bell! Blue Bell!” and snuggling her close to my heart; vowing to never let her go.

It might have just been the early morning sun as it glistened in through the large oak windows of our living room… or perhaps it was the reflection of the twinkling lights that decorated the Christmas tree in the corner, but I was absolutely sure that I caught a sparkle in Blue Bell’s beady glass eyes.

40 Wonderful People...

2009-09-12T19:17:00.004-05:00

I HAVE 40 PEOPLE THAT ACTUALLY READ THESE RAMBLINGS AND SOMETIMES EVEN COMMENT!!!! IT'S INCREDIBLE!!! I love you all... you're great encourager's to me. Thanks for reading!

Well, today I did school for half of the afternoon, cut my hair again... the bangs were getting a bit long, and then watched The Patriot with my dad and brother. I cried like a girl... wait. That's because I am one. ANYWAYS... wow... I tell you people, these one o'clock in the morning entries will eventually do me in. I just feel the urge to WRITE at this hour! Don't ask why... I don't even know.

If you could pray for me... that I would be able to be diligent in my studies this week. I really need to get a full week ahead so that I'm all caught up when we go to Italy on the 20th. I'm SO EXCITED!!! My dad spent several years of his childhood there... so he's excited too. It will be nice to have a break from my studies for awhile.

Classes are going well however... progressing right along. I seriously can't believe that we are flying home at the end of next month. I'm REALLY excited to be back with people that I KNOW!!!!!

Well, I know this is completely disorganized and extremely sporadic... but I'll write something more in depth soon... when I don't have a pile of psych homework sitting here. :)

School and a Poem

2009-09-10T05:11:00.004-05:00

Yes, it's that time of year again... the time for me to buckle down and work hard on my five college classes that I'm taking. It's really hard for me to believe that it's already September and that the summer has already slipped away. My last summer as a teenager... I can hardly believe it.

Just yesterday, I was playing with my Barbie dolls

Had a momma who was there... to answer my childish calls

Just yesterday, I was learning how to read

Learning how to play nicely in word and in deed

Just yesterday, I was scared of the dark

Also was afraid of dogs that bark

Just yesterday, I accepted Jesus into my heart

Since then, we have never been apart

Just yesterday, I was looking forward to learning how to drive

Couldn't wait for my sixteenth birthday party to arrive

Just yesterday, I got baptized with my brother

Could have never asked to share it with another

Just yesterday, my eyes were red from tears

What unfolded before me were my darkest fears

Just yesterday, I watched my momma die

I can still see her smiling face, within my minds eye

Just yesterday, I was young and naive

Anything and everything, I did believe

Just yesterday, there were five around the dinner table

Now my family gets the "single parent" label

Just yesterday, all of this was real to me

My life: a painted tapestry

Just yesterday, I was dreaming up plans

To visit and have adventures in distant lands

Just yesterday, I thought it would last forever

My perfect life that nothing could sever

Just yesterday, my life was bought

At the hands of the master, I was wrought

Just yesterday, Jesus died for me

Up on that hill... the cross at Calvary

Just yesterday, Jesus whispered my name

And I quietly and obediently came

Just yesterday, Jesus forgave my sin

and set me free all over again

Just yesterday, I cried a tear

Because of everything that I've held so dear

Just yesterday, God put my past to rest

With the loving tender words "my plans for you, are always best."

Wow. Umm... I didn't know that I had a poem in me this morning. Haha... that was unexpected.

Anyways... I've just been thinking lately about how the time goes so fast. Before we can even blink, it's gone. God's been convicting me about spending my time more wisely lately.

Well... the whole POINT of this blog entry was just to give you all an update on what I've been up to. I've had a lot of homework, hence the lack of blog posting lately.

We spent the weekend in Wales and I must say... it was one of the most FUN times that we've ever had together as a family in my opinion. The four hour car ride over to Snowdonia was a lot of fun... and I even got some studying in! WOOHOO!

Okay, so now blogger is making me mad and won't do what I want with the pictures and messed up my spacing... and I have to go eat lunch and study... so I'm giving up and just posting this incredibly random blog post.

BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

I'm not insane... I promise.

Have a beautiful blessed day!

"Oh... PUNCH HIM!"

2009-08-21T18:52:00.005-05:00

So... a lot's been happening in my life recently. I just started all five of my online classes for the fall semester this past Friday. YIKES... I'm going to be a busy woman... which is pretty normal I suppose.

Do you all remember the post that I did on the ten charming, interesting, fun things about me? Well if you didn't read it... you can click here to do so. In it, I mentioned my great-grandpa... and asked for prayers because he had been really sick with pneumonia. Well, we got the news that he went to be with Jesus almost exactly a week ago. That hit me hard because I really loved him. This coming Christmas will be the first Christmas that I've EVER had without him. Even when we lived in Washington, we always drove home to be with family over Christmas break. I miss him already. He was a wonderful man. Prayer for my great-grandma Ruth would be very appreciated. They would have celebrated their 69th wedding anniversary together a few days ago. Their life paints a beautiful picture of love and faithfulness to each other that I can only dream about at the moment. I loved watching them interact.

Oh oh oh! Funny story time! Don't worry, it really does relate. :)

As I've already said, we always get together with family during the Holiday season. One year, we were all gathered around at a very large table in the home where my great-grandparents live. It's a retirement community/nursing home all in one. Anyways, we were all happy after eating lots of delicious zwieback and stuffing ourselves to our physical limits. My great grandma (Grams) turned to my great-grandpa (Gramps) and was trying to get his attention even though she was sitting several chairs away. She first said "Ed" fairly quietly. When he didn't answer or even look at her (his hearing was fairly bad) she again said "Ed!" a bit louder. Her frustration was evident in her tone and look as she cried "ED!" with all the gusto that a little woman can possess. When she had fully exhausted herself, she fell back in her chair, her hands came flying up, she gestured to the head of the table where he was seated and said, in a most exasperated tone yet with an amused and gentle smile on her face "Ohhh... somebody PUNCH him!"

HAHAHA... I will ALWAYS remember that. Always. It's in my memory forever. I love that story... but I'm partial because they are MY great-grandparents.

Oh dear me... the book progress. Perhaps I should inform you of what's up. Well, in truth I've hit an extremely stagnant part in my mind and I can't seem to get past it. It's actually quite funny because I'm taking a creative writing class this fall and just wrote a poem today. The assignment was to describe "the way I see myself as a writer"... or something like that. Haha... can't quite remember since it's 1:3o in the morning here. Anyway, I wrote the poem and then realized that it's really how I've been feeling about all writing lately... writing on my book, writing on my blog... writing in general. So I hope you all will forgive my lack of postings lately.

The Cycle

I sit at my desk in silence
As again the rain pours down
I long to convey what I’m feeling
But instead I wear a frown

It continues to pour droplets
But once every cobblestone has dried
Still I sit there in lonely silence
So many thoughts inside

I finally feel like beginning
So I type a little here and there
But, distraction is my enemy
And as a fluffy dog walks by I stop and stare

Then the cycle starts over again
Thoughts that are incomplete
I can’t seem to convey what I’m feeling
And instead feel the sting of defeat

Thanks for reading, friends! I'm not sure how often I'll be posting in the coming weeks, but I sure will try!

Undeserved.

2009-08-14T06:01:00.006-05:00

I shouldn't be posting today... but I am.

I shouldn't be procrastinating on the writing of my book... but I am.

I shouldn't be wishing I were home in Kansas... but I am.

I shouldn't start so many books at once... but I do.

I shouldn't be sitting at this messy desk and not cleaning it... but I am.

I shouldn't wait to pray or read the Word... but I do.

I shouldn't be so selfish in dealing with my siblings... but I am.

I shouldn't doubt that my God is big enough... but I do.

I shouldn't want the affirmation of the world... but I do.

I shouldn't push my Savior away saying "I can do this myself"... but I do.

However...

I shouldn't have eternal life... but I do.

I shouldn't have peace... but I do.

I shouldn't have grace... but grace is mine.

I shouldn't be free... but I am.

Instead...

I deserve to pay for my sins... but He did.

I deserve punishment... but He took it.

I deserve scornful glances... but He looks at me through loving eyes.

I deserve to be alienated... but He calls me His precious child.

I deserve to be left in the dust of my sin... but He has called me to Himself.

I deserve nothing... but He has given me everything.

"The LORD is compassionate and gracious,

slow to anger, abounding in love.

He will not always accuse,

nor will he harbor his anger forever;

he does not treat us as our sins deserve

or repay us according to our iniquities.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

so great is his love for those who fear him;

as far as the east is from the west,

so far has he removed our transgressions from us."

Psalm 103:8-12

Guest Post... Ashley @ Simple Beauty!

2009-08-11T15:24:00.009-05:00

Today... we get to return to the topic of waiting, purity, and how it relates to REAL life. I'm SO excited to introduce Ashley to you all! She has a wonderful blog called Simple Beauty where she shares from her heart about Jesus, bargain hunting, modest fashions, and so much more. I hope you will make her feel very welcome! She kindly agreed to write a guest post for all of us, and I just can't wait to share it. Her story is very powerful and testifies to an awesome God who is a redeemer, helper, and healer to the broken.

"Before the Rings Came Off"
by Simple Beauty

The man that I once deemed my knight
has fallen from grace.
Where my heart once was,
is now out of place.
Words from lips once so tender,
now break down and bruise.
Why did you leave us?
Could you not chose?
The wife who adored you,
who turned a blind eye,
who would pray in her closet
til her tears had run dry.
A friend who would listen to
your drunken rambling words.
Who would ponder and wonder about this
stranger you had become.
Could you not chose?
A babbling, happy baby,
with sweet bright eyes so blue?
You became a dad who would not hold her for more
than fifteen minutes, more like two.
You left us with fury and yelling and rage.
You left with a wife standing, truly standing in the rain.
When you left your ring behind and I had given you mine,
did you know, did you even wonder why?
I was still hoping still praying that with time,
your once loving arms would come embrace mine.
Now that the rings are off,
they mark only time.
My once tender heart is trying to heal,
and it seem you wish only to come and to kill.
Oh,
not to kill life for that is not the deed,
you come to kill dreams,
built for me by my King.
More than a year has passed,
and to our darling daughter you are a stranger.
Oh how I wish I could hold you away,
to keep her from your danger.
Today I stand my ring now long off my hand.
I stand as a daughter a sister a mother and a friend.
My darling child will grow to be lovely and tender and strong.
She will grow with God's Truth and GRACE to stand on.
To your hand that goes ring less, now what life will you chose?
One that is endless and boundless?
One that is filled with booze?
Or could a miracle happen and someday we see,
a man that is strong, that is Godly and free?
My prayer still my once darling, please let us be,
a darling daughter and her mother,
please let us be.
Let us live freely to worship our King,
and live out our life,
our small, simple family.
To my someday Boaz what life will you chose?
A ring that's FOREVER,
a daughter that will be yours,
a wife that is loving and tender and pure??
(please do not use this poem without permission from Simple Beauty)

When I was younger I dreamed of being married, being a mother and staying home just like my mother had done with myself and my two older brothers. In high school all of my friends knew my dreams and my passions. I fully assumed that I would meet my prince charming soon after high school, marry, and live happily ever after. Then wavering from the pressure of high school counselors I decided to attend a community college. It was what everyone was doing. Little did I know that veering from the path that God had laid out for me would take me along a journey that I am now still on. Out of this the Lord has brought me great joy, though it was not without great pain.

My sophomore year of college my parents moved back to Kansas. Not ready to live on my own I moved with them. I was going to work and not go back to college, however, that didn't work out either so I ended up studying music at Kansas State University. I did not finish my degree, I was unsettled and knew that though I loved music I was still so far from my dreams. The fall semester passed quickly and my middle brother moved back to Oklahoma. I have always been close to him so I decided to move right along with him. In doing this I moved out of my parents house for the first time. I decided that I didn't want roommates (being the youngest and only child this was just not for me!) so I moved into a studio apartment of my own.

At this time in my life I did not understand what I had actually done in a spiritual sense. Not "knowing" the word of God, and lacking wisdom and understanding, I moved out into this WORLD, into a wild CULTURE without the covering of my father's protection. It didn't seem like a bad idea at first. I worked two jobs and only received one day off every fourteen days. It kept me busy, but I could pay my bills. It also kept me from finding a church home or even looking for one. I was not growing as a Christian. Actually I was still "drinking" the milk of God's word and began truly lacking in my growth as a Christian.

Time marched on, (really not even a year) when I met my "once love," I was 19 years old and full of passion about my life and what was to come. He was a friend of a young lady I had met while working at Foley's Department Store. She never actually introduced us, he sought me out. (This should have been a huge RED FLAG!) So I was too trusting and did not look at his life. I was just so ecstatic that a man found me lovely and wanted to spend time with me. We went on a few "non-dates" and then he moved back home to Georgia. It was a few months before he some how found that I had started instant messaging on AOL (the whole "you've got mail" thing) and I began to be sucked into his web. He had no money, did not work jobs for long periods of time, and had a great amount of debt. He was a Bible school graduate/dropout and always had a reason for the direction his life took without accountability.

It was in these moments that I was so blinded by the "idea" of romance that I was not looking at the plain hard TRUTH. We are to judge a man by his fruit. I didn't learn this until last year! Better late than never,however, I will instill this into my children's lives EARLY!!

When he decided to move back to Oklahoma from Georgia I was on cloud nine. He must have known I had a little bit of money saved because I was the one who paid for the long distance phone calls. He had never lived on his own, paid for bills himself, again had never kept a job, he moved around often and came from a very broken family ( I now lovingly refer to this as the marching band of red flags that I didn't pay attention to!!)

The very first night he was back in Oklahoma he came to my apartment. It only seemed right to kiss him when I saw him (though there was honestly no feeling behind the kiss). I mean what girl would NOT kiss a man who had just moved from Georgia to be with me? (this girl should NOT have kissed him!!) We kissed, we kissed, and though no other physical line was crossed my moral line was gone. He spent the night the very first night. Nothing other than the kiss had happened, we danced and fell asleep with candles going and coffee in hand.

What had happened was that I had placed this man over the Almighty GOD! I had spit in His face about not even having the appearance of evil. And once this fragile line is crossed I guarantee you can not go back. I had no accountability. My friends where all professing Christian's but none told me that I was dancing the dangerous dance (because they too were dancing with the devil in this area of their lives). And my friends that would have held me accountable, well I kept them distant from the truth, as well as my family. It was not long before lines were crossed and my vision became skewed. It was in this fog that we agreed to get married and I began to truly struggle with my faith in Christ and my walk with Him.

I've since listened to a very balanced pastor speak on brokenness. He was talking about how as Americans we walk around taking medicine because we have this gaping hole in our hearts that leaves us numb and under a huge weight. We label it depression and try to medicate ourselves, when it is truly the Holy Spirit warning us, witnessing to us, and we choose to listen to the world and not to God. And instead of realizing we are to be broken in our sin and through that brokenness God can and will show us the wrong and give us the strength to choose righteousness.

In my time of brokenness I chose to listen to the world and follow through with an engagement into a marriage. It was just a few short hours after our wedding while we arrived at our cottage that I realized "he" was not the man I had thought he was. My eyes were opened. Instead of lovingly talking about the amazing covenant we had just made, instead of holding each other in our arms, he sat down on the sofa and started counting the money we had received as presents and talking about what he wanted to buy with it. The remainder of our honeymoon he would sit on the floor in front of the TV in our rented cabin and watch the food network, as appose to snuggling in our bed, or even touching me. We hardly even talked. I was crushed, I so regretted what I had done. It was during this week that I turned my broken heart to Christ and began to seek him. I lifted my broken hands and spirit up to the Lord and begged for him to make everything okay.

Once my marriage started to return to the normal routine of working, he returned to a life style that was relatively unknown to me, the bar scene. Five out of seven nights a week my husband could and would be found out with his divorced and single friends going to bars, becoming very intoxicated and flirting with other women (even when I was only days away from giving birth). He would continue to avoid touching me or showing me any kind of affection. Talk of children, talk of church, talk of a future or even finances were always met with fury from him and tears from me. If I cried, he would tell me that he was just going to leave me. My dears, this is abuse. No it was not a smashing with a fist, it was the smashing of my heart with words and actions and refusal of intimacy and love.

I sought refuge in the Lord, I spent hours crying in my bathroom and closets. I hid, I prayed, I watched ministers online. I read my Bible, I begged for us to do devotions as a couple. Everything that pertained to the Lord was met with utter refusal. How could this be coming from a Bible graduate? That would be because the man I married, who professed to be a Christian was and is actually LOST!

I stood my ground, I trusted the Lord. I wanted children and I wanted to be at home with them. My husband would only say someday. Well as the Lord would have it, he heard my cry for children and in April of 2006 I became pregnant with my darling daughter. I decided to stand my ground with my husband and would not except his lack of desire to steer our family in the ways of the world. Again, the Lord blessed me. My husband did not care if I felt ill, he would not help around the house or even come with me to purchase the baby bed. It was during these times that the Lord gave me strength. I was never ill during the time I carried my daughter in the womb. I had a easy labor and easy delivery, to which I give God all the glory because HE was there for me. My husband did not even hold my hand or leg and left my room almost to miss the delivery of our daughter. Needless to say that when we brought our daughter home my husband began a downward spiral into what he wanted for his life and this was not it. It all ended in October of 2007 when he left myself and his darling daughter (she was only nine months old) to pursue a life of pleasure, woman and alcohol. I was blessed with a Godly family who brought us home and have been supporting me as I am being healed from the abuse.

It has been difficult, however, it has been the best thing to happen in my life! Through this pain the Lord has shown me so many of the lies that I willingly believed. Some from unchecked thoughts in my mind, many lies from entertainment and literature and many from the public school system. All these teamed together with a lack of knowing the truth of God's word and man oh man am I learning a lot.

Now as I was left by an unbeliever I have not followed him. It is now my prayer to trust in our SOVEREIGN LORD and wait for my Boaz, if that is the will of the Lord. In these moments of my life I have been handed a unique gift of getting to live a part of my life over again, while setting an example for my darling daughter. These moments are not easy, and often I forget to look at them with joy until the trial has passed. Some of these moments seem like nothing special from car pooling with my father five days a week to work (I fail nearly on a weekly basis of talking with respect to my father and enjoying loving moments, I am working on this, that rebellious teenager keeps rearing her ugly head and I'm nearly 30!) to not allowing myself crushes on eligible men my age (again more difficult than I would have thought) to not allowing myself to date but to prayerfully prepare to be courted, to be praying about the time when I am courted and the much needed definition of a physical boundary (it will need to be concrete and I will have to have my parents involved as this was were I failed before), to learning about how active my earthly father needs to be in my choice of a future husband. All of this with the desire to set an example for my daughter.

Some of the choices that I have made that are honoring to our heavenly father, that will help me if the Lord allows me to marry again, and also helpful to myself and my mind are the following: daily morning devotion (simple reading of my Bible and time in prayer, and time for the Holy Spirit to instruct me), turning the television off (I do not need to see how the culture views romance and life and divorce ect), I am reading more books on courtship and what to be looking for in a husband and strongly recommend "What he must be if he wants to marry my daughter" by Voddie Baucham (I'm reading it with my dad, eck!) I still listen to music only I nixed country music for the most part and I've never really listened to all of the other kinds and I mainly listen to Christian artists, and when I do watch a movie I look hard at the rating with a goal to stick with PG and rarely PG-13 (because the higher ratings honestly have more visual signs of affection in immoral relationships), I'm also trying to share my life with others as to encourage women who have gone through a similar chapter in life. God is giving me a new song in my heart. And one really important thing I'm doing to protect myself, and my daughter; I live with my parents. It is hard and frustrating at times since I have had my own home and life, however, I can ill afford another mistake or to turn from my Lord. So living with my parents provides for us protection from my father, accountability, 24 hour counseling if needed (and sometimes when I don't want it but need it anyway!) a babysitter for my darling daughter so she does not have to go to day care, family entertainment, and many fun outings together. All of this has allowed me great joy from great pain; great hope from great despair, and great gain from great loss.

I encourage every young lady to remember that when you begin to play in the devil's playground you will get hurt, you will get burned, and you will not always be offered a way "out". The Lord has given us instruction not to burden us, not to withhold something from us, but to protect us and allow in his instruction a way for us to have the greatest fulfillment and joy. So when thinking about dating, will you consider courting? When thinking about kissing, have you considered waiting until engagement? And when thinking about heavy petting have you considered that we are not to stir or awaken love until it so desires!!

Ashley @ Simple Beauty

10 charming, interesting, fun things... I hope!

2009-08-06T07:49:00.004-05:00

Hello my blogging pals! I wasn't going to post today (simply because I'm desperately trying to finish writing my book) BUT... something too exciting happened and I just HAD to share!

My dear friend Lynnette whom I lovingly call "Mrs. Kraft" over at Dancing Barefoot decided to let all of her readers link up with her blog! It was optional to do a special post for new visitors describing 10 charming, interesting, fun things about you... but it sounded like fun! So here goes... I'll try to be as charming, interesting, and fun as I can be!!! Haha..

1. I'm simply addicted to music. I don't know if it's because I love playing the piano so much or my involvement in ballet from a young age. But if music isn't playing in my room nearly 24/7 there is something wrong. Right now I'm listening to Leeland's song "Brighter Days". Many days God uses music in my life to fill my spirit and lead me closer to His throne.

2. THIS is my dream HOUSE:

Haha... okay, so it's my dream to live in a 100 year old farmhouse someday... but I want to fix it up...and MAKE it into my dream house:

Look at that big yummy covered porch.... love it!

3. I'm in love with Ice Cream... Cookie Dough and M&M blizzards are amazing. Freddie's Frozen Custard, DQ, and Cold Stone are my favorite places to go. Also, there is a really good brand of Ice Cream cake up here. You can buy a whole cake for only 1 pound!!! I'm going to miss the Ice cream when we move back home...haha.

4. I think this is one of the cutest dogs that I've ever seen (haha... sorry, I know one of you thinks this is the ugliest dog ever, but I couldn't resist! It's just toooooo cute!)

5. I absolutely love baking pies. Apple pies, pumpkin pies, cherry pies, etc... it's fun! My momma taught me how to make the home-made crust too, which is great... but I like to have pie-baking days because it takes awhile. The crust is my great GREAT Aunt's recipe... she smiles when I tell her I use it and then goes on and on about how she used that recipe whenever she made pies for fancy get-togethers. I love my family.

6. My desire is to go back to Kenya someday. I really want to work as a counselor at the boarding school that I visited there. I fell in love with those girls... Shamim, Slyvia, Sarah... they were precious and I miss them.

7. My great-grandpa is in the hospital with pneumonia. While this isn't a charming, interesting, or fun thing, I would appreciate your prayers very much. In my eyes, my great-grandpa is charming. I love him and it's so hard to be over here in England when the doctors are saying that they don't think he's going to make it out of this one. He's so blessed to have walked this earth for the past 96 years. He and my great grandma came down and stayed with us children when my mom and dad went to Mexico for her cancer treatment. That was exactly three years ago this August. Anyway, I could ramble on forever about them because they both hold such a special place in my heart, but I'll stop here. If you could keep him in yours prayers I would be so thankful.

8. I absolutely love the feel and ambiance of a wood-burning fireplace. We have a very large wood-burning fireplace at our house back home, and I can't WAIT to get back and enjoy it this winter! Nothing like a fire to cozy up to during the snowy season. The fireplace and a good book... yum! It makes me get a nice warm feeling just thinking about it.

9. I cherish memories of my momma. This isn't a secret...haha... I talk about her enough for people to know that one thing about me even if they don't know anything else. Here is a picture from our fun trip to the tulip fields when we lived in Washington State. Stay tuned and I'll eventually have my book finished. :)

10. I love oil painting! Not very many people actually know this fact about me... haha... I don't usually have a lot of time for it anymore. I'm not a pro by any means, but I wish I had more time to spend on it. I painted this painting when I was....uhhh... around 14 I think... it's been awhile. A very LONG while. But I still have canvas and paints. Time is the only issue... as usual. :)

Well friends, this has been totally fun for me and I hope it's been fun for you too! Thank you Lynnette! I'll be posting on waiting and purity again soon, so stay tuned!

Worth the Wait...

2009-08-03T16:15:00.011-05:00

This evening as I was working on my book, a song that I absolutely love came on. Some of Jordin Sparks songs are cheesy, but I actually do really like this one. It's called "Worth the Wait" and actually reminds me of Rebecca St. James song "Wait For Me":

Chorus:

If I fall

If I break

If I lose myself in someone

If I give all I am it'll be with you

When I'm ready to take

All that you want me to give

It will be worth the wait

Worth the wait

Bridge:

Worth all the long nights dreaming of forever

Someday we will be together

I know it will have been so worth the wait

Please wait for me

Yeah yeah... you may be rolling your eyes, but to me, this isn't just a typical cheesy love song. In an instant gratification culture... a culture that screams "ME and MY feelings", waiting for anything - whether it's a hamburger at McDonald's or a first kiss - isn't looked on with too much enthusiasm. "Why wait?" people ask and so did I for awhile.

But the reason that I'm waiting is not because I take pleasure in waiting... it's because I take pleasure in the end result... when it will be worth the wait. I'm a person who dreams and plans and hopes that the "rest of my life" starts soon, because one of my greatest desires is to find and marry the one that God has for me. Next year I'll be turning 20 and sometimes I can't help but think "HURRY UP AND SHOW ME GOD!" But do you know what? When I truly sit and think about it:

...when our eyes meet and I know I'll be looking into them forever...

...when he wraps his arms around me for the first time...

...when I get my first kiss and I smile because he's the only one I've ever kissed...

...when I KNOW without a doubt that God brought me this man to be with forever...

...when God gives me the grace and courage to love someone wholeheartedly...

...when I'm able to take my purity ring off... only to slip my wedding ring on...

...when all these things happen... it will have been completely worth the 19+ years of waiting.

...worth every second and minute and hour of unfulfilled desires...

...worth the wait...

A hopeless romantic like me can't help but think about these things sometimes... and if every girl is honest with herself I'm sure she thinks some of the same thoughts that I do in regards to my future... not excluding my future man.

I know that waiting is a fairly recent phenomenon in this day and age... or rather, a very old idea that is slowly being brought back. I think purity is a touchy subject that people (including me) tend to shy away from unless I'm directly asked about my stance towards it. However, I decided that I'm not going to do that anymore. I've always been the type of person that doesn't like stepping on peoples toes so to speak... but then I thought about it some more... and realized that some of my ideas on purity aren't only mine; they're Gods. He's the one who calls us to purity of heart, mind, and body. Why does he do this? Well perhaps because He knows that it will be worth the wait.

Of course waiting doesn't guarantee a bump free ride. I'm still impatient, irritable, and human... and luckily God's grace is big enough to cover me and my immense foolishness and sin. But I do have inexpressible joy when I think about my desires eventually lining up with God's will for my life.

Truly though... what is purity? Not just purity of the body... but of the mind, heart and emotions? What does waiting truly mean... and how does it practically apply to my life? How am I supposed to ever find someone if I don't go searching? I hope to discuss some of these questions in my future posts. Purity is something for which I'm very passionate about... so bear with me. If any of you have questions which you want me to discuss, please feel free to say so! "Purity" and "waiting" sometimes have bad connotations connected with them but I want to try to convey how beautiful and rewarding walking the straight and narrow lane can be... no matter who you are or where you've been.

Really quickly:

- If you're married... don't despair! I still want to post things that interest you! Although I've never been married, I think I'm right to assume that the battle for purity doesn't end once you've said "I do". I'm hoping to get a married person to do a guest post for me on the importance of purity after the wedding day... any takers? If you're interested just let me know by emailing me at zylime@hotmail.com or commenting on this post.

- If you're single and regret past decisions... don't despair either! That's the beauty of God's grace... He doesn't care where we've been or what we've done...only where we're going. He also promises to wash us "as white as snow" and "remember our sins no more". So if you are currently sitting there reading this and thinking about all the ways that you've failed in the purity arena, accept Jesus' forgiveness and be FREE to walk in the newness and fullness of life that He offers to all those who believe in the power of His name. What if you started striving today for purity of body, mind, and heart? If you're wanting to be married eventually... wouldn't it be amazing to be able to tell your future husband or wife "I made a decision to walk in purity on August 3rd 2009... and I've been waiting for you ever since." Also, I would totally love it if one of you would be willing to step up and write a guest post on why you've decided to wait from here on out... and the decisions (both good and bad) in the past that led you to this point. Contact me at zylime@hotmail.com or leave a comment if you feel like sharing a little with my readers and I.

Wow. I'm truly impressed. If you've lasted this long through a post on waiting and purity you're either my very good friend that reads every single thing I post completely through or you're just as passionate and interested in this subject as I am. Either way makes me happy! Thanks for reading... I love my 27 followers and email subscribers!

And yes, this is the slightly more serious and thought provoking post that I kept promising to you all for the past month or so. I decided that I need to try and balance my random fluffish (that is now MY made up word of the day) stuff with other stuff that I'm passionate about. Hope you enjoy!

17 Days and Near Insanity

2009-08-02T11:31:00.010-05:00

Today is a lazy Sunday afternoon in England... the sun is shining and many people have gone down to the Harbor Fest to eat, watch shows, and listen to music. Today actually "feels" like summer, unlike some of the other days that we've had in the past where it's been chilly and rainy.

I decided to do something today. I decided to count the number of days until my fall classes start... and do you know what I came up with? Seventeen. Seventeen days left of summer. I can't believe it. So far, three more textbooks need to be arriving by Royal Mail soon... I hope they hurry up and get here! I can't wait to look through them.

Then, I did something else. I decided to see how many words I am going to have to write each day to get done with my book before classes start...and do you know what I came up with? 1,000. 1,000 words a day... yikes. Oh well, it's truly not that many and I think I can do it... hopefully.

Then, I did something else. I decided to get a signature for my blog! YAY! Do you like it? I couldn't figure out if I should just put "Em" or my full name... but I eventually decided to just use my full name. :)

And wow, I'm currently pretty amazed that some of you would actually take the time to read these random ramblings of mine. I promise they will become more thought provoking and organized in the future...I just need to write today... even though I don't really have much on my mind at the moment. Hmmm... I just lied. There is a TON on my mind, but nothing really worth sharing on my blog... just thinking about life, future, relationships, God's will, my own feelings, God's sovereignty, my momma, book writing, moving home, seeing friends again, food (my stomach is putting that thought into my brain), cleaning my room, playing Monopoly, cute children, books, Jesus' grace, Ezekiel, letter writing.... AHHHHHHHHHHHHH... MY BRAIN!

Anyway... sorry this is so random. I really am sane... for the most part...

AHEM... I said for the MOST part....

Kay... that's a little better I guess.

Haaaaa... maybe not.

Wow, all this England air, solitude, and writing must be doing something odd to me... hmmm. Any suggestions?

Anyways, thanks for reading and going along with my randomness for a little bit. One of these days I will post something deep and inspirational. :)

Blog of the Month @ Joanne's "Blessed" blog!

2009-08-01T09:43:00.006-05:00

Alright friends... you will not believe how CRAZY excited I am today. Seriously... out of my mind excited. You have no idea...

Anyways, I'll get to the point of my crazy excitement:

A wonderful woman named Joanne has a blog called Blessed, and every month she picks seven random blogs to be on her "Blessed Blogs of the Month" list. I was totally surprised and elated this morning when she left a comment on my blog saying that I was on this month's list! How cool is that? So if you are here for the first time because of Joanne, WELCOME and I'm so happy to have you! And for all you readers that don't know Joanne, click on the link below to visit her blog:

Maybe I should actually blog a bit today, instead of just talking about the source of all my excitement....hmmmm.

I suppose I shall talk about my brother. This is so neat too because his birthday is today! He turns the whopping 18... I can hardly believe it. If you want, you can hop on over to his blog to tell him congrats. Maybe even become a follower if you want. He has been my best friend since I knew what that even meant, and I love him SO MUCH!

I love new months. Something about them just feels so pure and clean and exciting! August is such a lovely month too. Summer is my favorite season of all. I can't believe that fall classes start up this month though... life keeps getting faster it seems.

Well, since I was up until five in the morning last night (chatting with friends from home because of the time difference) I am utterly spent and can't really come up with anything wonderfully exciting or brainy to say today.

However...

God's just awesome, isn't He? He continues to remind me over and over again of His faithfulness and sovereignty, even in the midst of anxiousness and uncertainty. His love fills me up to overflowing and is so much more than I could ever ask for or imagine on my own. I hope you take a moment to just CELEBRATE his awesome gifts today... however small or insignificant they seem. A gentle rain, beautiful flowers, clean air to breath, being able to hear the birds sing, plentiful food and shelter, being able to read... how many times do we forget to praise and thank God for the intricate little things that make life truly beautiful? I know I do. I get so caught up in the here and now... and the "me" that should be guided in the right direction is only encouraged in it's trivial pursuits through my selfishness. How humbling to know that Jesus has given me so many precious gifts that I'm not even fully aware of. Take a minute to just be still before Him today...and if you can, think of just one simple thing that you're extremely thankful for...and praise Him for it.

Early Morning Weirdness...And Blog Hop

2009-07-28T01:38:00.007-05:00

Hmmm... are you all aware at how much I'm NOT a morning person? Well let me tell you... I'm not. This probably has something to do with the fact that I stay up until I can't keep my eyes open any longer and then crash. But even when I do go to bed "early"... say 10:30, I still can't seem to be motivated to get up. Hmmm... I need to start working on that possibly...............nah. I won't be a college student forever! *grin*

SO... that being said...

I woke up at 5:33 this morning. Yes... 5:33AM! WHOOPEE FOR ME. I'll probably be exhausted later. For some reason, I woke up and couldn't fall back asleep. Unusual, eh? However, I think it might have been God... because I was able to chat with a few dear friends from back home... since it was 11:30pm their time. :)

AND NOW... for an update on the book progress. I'm currently at 42,642 words... hoping to reach at least 44,000 by the end of the day. Perhaps it's a good thing that I'm getting an early start!

Oh oh OH...and another one of my textbooks arrived yesterday! It's called "Crossroads - Creative Writing Exercises in Four Genres"..... exciting, huh? I thought so too! :)

Oh yes, and this weeks theme for the blog hop is "Favorite Kid Photos".... but how in the world am I supposed to pick just a few out of ALL the photos of children that I have? Impossible! So, I'm officially changing the title to read "Favorite Photos of My Cousin Maya":

Doesn't she have the cutest little cheesy grin in the world? I think so... but I'm biased. :)

36,464 words, Oxford, etc...

2009-07-22T07:11:00.017-05:00

Yes, I now have 36,464 words done on my book. Only....uh... around 24,000 more to go! YAY! I told myself that I would treat myself to some Facebook time after hitting the 30,000 word mark... and then I forgot. How lovely, eh? Well, it must really not be that important to me anymore otherwise I'm sure that I would have remembered. I'm breaking my FB addiction... and it's been good for me. :)

I realized today that I had promised to post some pictures from my trip to Oxford... I forgot that too. Yikes... I thought that people weren't supposed to start forgetting things until they were like 95? Hmmm...

ANYWAY... pictures. Yes, here are some of my favorites:

A random alley in Oxford...

Christ Church College...

A museum that we didn't go into... but I thought the sign looked cool. :)

This is my dear friend Allison and I! We spent the day trekking around Oxford with her and it was SUCH fun. Right here we are in the bell tower of a church:

If you are a CS Lewis or a JRR Tolkien fan, then you probably know this pub. We ate fish and chips there for lunch...

The two following pictures were taken at Christ Church College in the heart of Oxford... it's a beautiful place. There was even a wedding going on while we were there! What a place to get married, eh?

This lovely bridge is called the "Bridge of Sighs".... *sigh*... isn't it beautiful? Yep... I love it. It's a replica of the one in Venice I believe.

Isn't this just the cutest thing ever? I mean really... this couple has to win the cuteness award of all time. They were sitting right in front of us at the evening concert and kept snuggling especially when the raindrops started lightly coming down. Man... to still be in love at 80... *sigh*...

Well there you go my friends. Until next time... cheers!

Blog Hop - Breakfast Casserole

2009-07-20T07:12:00.006-05:00

Well hello blog hoppers! Today is Tuesday and I was totally thrilled to discover that the theme for today is favorite recipes! Unfortunately, all of my mom's precious recipe books are back at home in the states, but I have made this casserole several times since moving here... and it is DELICIOUS. Breakfast's can get boring after awhile if you eat the same cereal day in and day out (I'm not a cereal fan anyways), so I like to switch it up sometimes. I'm not a huge egg person either, so it was great to find this recipe which focuses on the cheese, ham, and potatoes instead. YUMMY! This is also a wonderful recipe to make the night before you need it. Then, simply take the bowl of mixed ingredients out of the fridge in the morning and place it in the pan to bake. Mornings are hectic enough as it is for us, which is why I always make it the night before. So without further ado... here it is:

Ham and Cheese Breakfast Casserole

Ingredients:

32 ounce package of frozen hash brown potatoes

8 ounces of diced ham

2 cans of condensed cream of potato soup (if you like mushrooms I enjoy doing one can cream of mushroom and one can cream of potato)

16 ounces of sour cream

2 1/2 cups of sharp Cheddar cheese

1 1/2 cups of grated Parmesan cheese

a pinch of salt and pepper

Directions:

Preheat your oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). Lightly grease a 9x13 inch baking dish.

In a large bowl, mix all the ingredients together except the Parmesan cheese. Once it's adequately mixed, spread all of it in the prepared dish and then sprinkle the leftover Parmesan cheese on top.

Bake for 1 hour in preheated oven, or until bubbly and lightly brown.

Enjoy! And thanks for visiting today!

3 Exciting Things...

2009-07-17T06:42:00.009-05:00

I have three fun bits of news to share with you all today! Are you ready?

I'm officially halfway done writing my book! I crossed the 30,000 word mark this morning! YAYAYAYAYAYAY! You have no idea how excited I am! Thanks for your continued prayers and encouragement in this area... God is faithful.

I received one of my college textbooks for a fall class in the mail yesterday!!!! Wait. What? YES... it's true!!! It's called "The Process of Parenting" and it's for my class on parents and young children that I'm taking... and I'm SO EXCITED TO READ IT! Yes, I'm weird... but I love learning about children and parenting and everything else that goes along with it. I'm forcing myself to not read it until my class actually starts though... otherwise I would probably have it completely read by the first day of class! :)

My family and I are going to Oxford tomorrow to visit a friend and look around the colleges! I'm pretty excited about that one too... I'll have to post a few pictures when we get back. Pray for good weather... we're probably going to an outdoor classical concert and fireworks display in the evening... I can't wait!

Well, that's all I have for today! Ta ta!

Midnight Writing and More...

2009-07-14T18:01:00.006-05:00

HI HI HI! It's currently midnight in jolly ol' England and I'm sitting here enjoying a good cup a' "tay". Hmmm... I wish that were true, but unfortunately, it's only me, myself, and I sitting on the couch contemplating why I didn't go to bed before midnight (again), why I forgot about the MckLinky blog hop today, and if I will reach 28,000 words on my book before I let sleep claim me. I'm at 27,954 currently... do I have the courage to write 56 more?..........yep. It will bug me all night if I don't. I tend to have perfectionist tendencies sometimes... yikes.

OH OH OH.... guess what? I am now past 20 followers! WOOHOO... makes me happy it does that you all would take the time to read my random thoughts. They haven't been very deep and thought provoking lately... but there actually is a good reason for that. Since I'm writing constantly on my book...which is all about the year that my mom had cancer, I have to think seriously, cry often, write vivid...sometimes painful details, and pray for help and inspiration. This wears me out during the day, to tell you the truth and I don't like the idea of sitting down for more thinking at night. So blogging gets to be my fun... goofy... silly outlet for now. I hope you all don't mind. To celebrate that fact, I'm posting a goofy picture... have a good laugh why don't you:

WELL WELL WELL... I must end this... why am I starting paragraphs in capital groups of three? I have no idea... it's midnight...well, 12:15 now...time is slipping away. If I were really Cinderella like I always dreamed of being, I wouldn't have made my midnight deadline. I mean, really! I love the movie... but Cinderella running off from her one true love at midnight? Sadness... I would just stay and have the spell broken. It'd be more fun that way. :) To see the look on his face!

WOW WOW WOW... this is my crazy hour. I probably scared more people than I inspired this evening. My apologies. No more writing at midnight for me. I must bid you all cheers and good evening.

Haircuts and Glasses of Milk

2009-07-10T05:08:00.008-05:00

WELL... you will never guess what Shauna and I did yesterday...we went and got our haircuts! Ha ha... exciting huh? The split ends were shouting at me and I couldn't take it anymore...

Isn't Shauna's hair cute? I just love it!

And this is mine...granted it hardly looks different except for being very straight. But the split ends have gone bye bye and I'm very happy about that!

Now, on to other random thoughts. I probably shouldn't be blogging today since I didn't make my word count of 1,800 words on my book yesterday. I need to write close to 4,000 today I think... hopefully I can do it! That's why I'm keeping this post short.

But I do have a funny story to tell:

This morning I received a letter from a friend back home which my sister wanted to read. When I said no, she got this mischievous grin on her face (like all little sisters do) and ran into the living room. I pretended to chase her in there, but I knew that the letter was upstairs in my room, so I wasn't too annoyed. I went back into the kitchen and was in the middle of eating my English muffin when suddenly, I heard footsteps running up the stairs. I knew that she was running up to my room to try to find the letter, so I walked out of the kitchen and was just starting to walk up the stairs when a huge couch cushion came flying from up above me. Unfortunately for Shauna, I was carrying a full glass of milk at the time and it went spraying all over me, the stairs, and the wall! Whoops... sorry landlord!

Wednesday's Walk - Dentures and Delirious Laughter

2009-07-08T07:07:00.008-05:00

Hello dear friends! For the first time ever, I'm participating in:

hosted by Lynnette Kraft's blog - Dancing Barefoot On Weathered Ground. I'm SO excited to start joining in on this every Wednesday that I can! Even though I'm not a momma yet (like I know a lot of you are that already read Lynnette's blog), I hope you will still enjoy my special memories.

This Wednesday's Memory:

Well... this is a really wacky memory of something that actually happened just last night. Shauna, my thirteen year old sister who I love with my WHOLE heart said something that made me die laughing! I was sitting at my computer, chatting on messenger with a few friends, and listening to her constant chattering (in an effort to get my attention drawn away from the computer no doubt). Suddenly, I glanced over and she was pulling her pajama pant drawstrings straight up towards her shoulders. She laughed at me and then said "Look! They're... they're dentures!" I couldn't contain my glee any longer and burst out laughing. Between giggles, I eventually said "Shauna... those aren't called dentures! They're ummm... ummm" and my mind went blank because I was laughing so hard. I finally said "Suspenders!!! That's what they're called!". We both got a huge laugh out of it. I love her so much... she brings smiles into my life.

Happy Wednesday! Thanks for dropping by!

Mcklinky Blog Hop... Favorite Photo Tuesday!

2009-07-07T04:57:00.008-05:00

"Scared Eyes Masking a Timid Heart"

***Hello Friends! I'm currently trying to figure out how to link up to other blogs and participate in stuff like this...and frankly, I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing! So bear with me here... I'm trying! This week on Tuesday, 7/7/09, the theme is a "favorite photograph"! I'm excited to try this out because you know how much I LOVE photography! I took this picture when I was in Kenya a few weeks ago. Happy Tuesday to all of you! And if you're here for the first time: welcome welcome WELCOME!I hope you enjoy your visit!***

10 Excuses

2009-07-05T18:04:00.008-05:00

Well... it's 12:04am...again. To quote my dad, I've been staying up "too late" for the past couple of days. He's probably right.

But sometimes life just gets too exciting and I can't sleep! For instance:

To put it quite plainly...I've been eating, sleeping and breathing writing. Attempting to write 12,000 words a week has been quite the experience so far. My deadline is the end of July... I'm EXCITED...and scared... and full of... oh, I don't know. Excitement! How original, eh?
Living in England - a country full of history and culture - can be extremely sleep depriving.
I've been spending time with my family instead of wasting it on Facebook. This Facebook fast is going really well so far. And surprisingly... I'm loving my time OFF of FB. I seem to get more done...imagine that! :)
Just so you all know, number three was not a slam at Facebook. I love all my Facebook friends and family very much... the crazy application's tend to pull me into their time wasting black holes.
I've been spending some time catching up on my reading. My "need to read" books have been staring me in the face.
I have been finding that Jesus continues to amaze me. Even after I have spent my life attempting to get to know him better, I have fallen on my face in humbleness at how much I still need to learn. Yet, he is still so gentle and patient with me. Amazing Grace...how sweet the sound... that SAVED a wretch like me.
Some incredible music has been playing via my computer lately. I'm currently listening to the "Blood Diamond" movie soundtrack...even though I've never watched the movie! I can recommend the music... it's beautiful. AND I just finished listening to "The Dark Knight" soundtrack. Another inspiring one. Can you tell that I'm a soundtrack person?
We went to the zoo today! I mean... how can that NOT be exciting? As to what that has to do with staying up late... I'm not exactly sure.
I love babies. Again, I have no idea what this has to do with staying up, but I'm out of ideas at this point. We saw so many cute little kids today at the zoo, running around in their little sundresses and white sun hats. Just thinking about them all would keep me up late I'm sure...
And it's now 12:38am...now I have a wonderful list of perfectly valid excuses for staying up. :)

Kenya Trip Report

2009-06-30T10:24:00.018-05:00

It's FINALLY HERE... the email to my prayer supporters, family, and friends about my trip to Kenya... enjoy:

Jambo Friends!

Jambo is Swahili for hello... in case you all didn't already know that... :)

Well, first off I must apologize for how late this report is in coming to you all! I arrived home from Kenya very sick, so I have been lying in bed for the past week. After going and going and going for ten days though... I must say that a week of rest has been NICE!
The second thing that I have to say before I say anything else is thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for all of your prayers while I was down in Africa! God did some incredible things... and now for a recap:

Sunday, June 7th - I got up REALLY early in the morning and we left our house in Bristol at 6:00am to arrive in London by 8:30. I said goodbye to my daddy and then walked past the gates to find the rest of my team who had flown from Kansas and just arrived in London that morning. Luckily I found all 15 of them and we had a lovely time talking and hanging out in the airport waiting for our 10:45am flight. We waited....and waited....and waited... until finally a voice came over the loudspeaker announcing that the "flight to Nairobi has been delayed due to the fact that the plane was struck by lightning on the previous flight and needs to be checked over." Wonderful. So we waited and waited and waited some more. Noon came and went... and finally, a voice came onto the speaker again and said that the flight has been delayed even more because they decided to switch planes... so we had to switch gates. All in all our plane didn't take off until 1:30 or so in the afternoon. Which was kind of a bummer since the flight down to Nairobi is about 8 hours. Also, Kenya is 2 hours ahead of London.... It was awesome to see what God did before we even arrived in Kenya. Who says he doesn't arrange the seating on a plane? I think he does...haha. I was put in the very middle of the plane... between two women that I didn't know. One was an American woman, and the other was a young Kenyan woman who was returning to Kenya for the summer after studying in London. It was neat to learn that she was in college too. I started talking with her and she was extremely interested in what type of work my team and I were going to be doing down in Nairobi. She was super sweet too... telling me of what to do and not to do in Africa... where the best malls were located, the cleanest hospital to go to if we needed one, etc. She even gave me her phone number and told me that if I have extra time and want to do something to give her a call! I thought that was really sweet. Oh dear, at this rate, this email is going to take forever. Oh well... anyway, at one point in the conversation she asked me what we were teaching the kids in VBS... she asked me what "VBS" was. It was such an amazing opportunity to be able to share about Jesus with her. I went on to tell her that we taught the kids at VBS about Jesus, and how He came to die for their sins. That He took the penalty for them so that they could one day live in Heaven with Him if they believed in Him as their Savior. Her eyes shined as she looked at me and said "Dats so awesome!" in her cool Kenyan accent. I remember sitting there and laughing at God for the rest of the flight... that he is involved so personally in our lives that he took interest in something like seating arrangements. It just confirmed to me that my Lord's fingerprints were still all over the trip... and that my mission didn't start once I was on the ground in Kenya... it had already started.

Let's see... what to say next. Hmmm... Oh yes, so we arrived in Kenya that evening and went straight to the hotel/resort. It was gated in... which made me feel safer, since we were in the heart of Nairobi. I LOVED our rooms. They were very simple... but they had a bunch of mosquito netting over the beds. The very first night that we were there... Darcy (my roommate and friend) and I decided that since the windows were closed and stuff... we probably didn't need to use the mosquito netting. We said goodnight and after awhile I started to drift into a peaceful sleep....until suddenly Darcy JUMPED out of bed and told me that something was buzzing by her ear! Haha...needless to say, we used the nets the rest of the time we were there.

Monday, June 8th - I think the entire team was a bit jet-lagged on this day. I was doing fine because I have been living in England... so the time difference really didn't affect me at all... for which I was VERY grateful! Luckily, this was simply orientation day. We woke up at around 7:30 and ate a YUMMY breakfast at our hotel... I'm serious, Kenyan food is AMAZING. I love it.
After breakfast, we went to the large head school called Pangani that is run by Missions of Hope. This is a school for children from the Mathare Valley... which is the second largest slum in Kenya. Mary and Wallace were the ones to start missions of hope and Mary had a wonderful time telling us about all the different centers and how much God was growing the ministry. Missions of Hope started by Mary asking several different people to come up with a list of the 50 neediest kids that they knew... then Mary took all the lists and looked at which names continually came up. She then put together her own list of the top 50 neediest children and started holding a school for these children in someone’s home. Today, the ministry has spread to eight centers (if I am remembering correctly) as well as one boarding school! Talk about multiplication! They now feed and educate over 1,000 children!

We took a tour of the school and I was not prepared for what I was going to see. Some of us went into a classroom where a bunch of children were seated. After quoting about 5 memory verses to us, the children sang us a song in English and then sang the same song again in Swahili. I don’t remember the exact song that it was, but I remember it having to do with water… and Jesus being the living water. Tears came into my eyes as they were singing because they were all so passionate about what they were saying. It really touched my heart that they were singing about water too… because water is so scarce in Africa, clean water anyway. Oh hey! And I just found a video that someone else on the team took of the exact song that these kids were singing! Standing in the classroom while these children sang to us was just incredible. You can check out the video of it at the following link: (I'm not sure if it works... if it doesn't, I'm sorry and I'm working on it.)

http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/oQSqRKW0nUT7-ANrbCpWEw?authkey=Gv1sRgCJLD_cTz0saChgE&feat=directlink

After they were done, they wanted to know our names and our occupations. It was great to see their faces when I said my name, because there was a girl named Emily in that class. She got the biggest smile on her face when she realized that we shared the same name. You would actually be surprised how many of these African children have English names.

After eating some delicious little bread/donut things called mendazis, and drinking some African chai, we split into teams and actually went out into the Mathare Valley. Walking through the slums and hearing kids yell “howareyouhowareyouhowareyouhowareyouhowareyou” over and over again was an incredible experience. Later we learned that half of the children know what the phrase “how are you” means and they are actually asking you a question. While the other half just associate the phrase with white people… since that is the phrase that first comes out of almost every white person’s mouth! Haha…So in essence, when a little kid says “how are you” they are saying “hey look! A white person!” It was really funny but just about broke my heart at the same time when we would drive through the slums and little kids would start running after our bus screaming “howareyouhowareyouhowareyouhowareyou” at the top of their little lungs. Sometimes I would say “fine, how are you?” Then you should have seen them smile and get all shy! It was so cute.

Tuesday, June 9th – Today was our first day of VBS at one of the schools. We had about 120 kids. It was a lot of fun to see how excited these kids were. We performed a skit which they all loved. Then I taught them the memory verse: John 3:16. I was blown away because a lot of these kids already knew this verse! So I taught them some motions to go with it. J That all happened in our general assembly. After that, our team of 15 split into groups of 3 and 4 because we each had different “stations” that we would be doing for VBS. My job was to sing with Tina who also sings and plays the guitar. We also taught the children actions to go along with the songs, which they really loved. If you click the link below, you can watch a video of us praising the Lord with these children:

http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/aWowZi53VpeFGQFjMwOySQ?authkey=Gv1sRgCJLD_cTz0saChgE&feat=directlink

Let me tell you… seeing poor African children from the slum pile into a classroom to praise the Lord with Tina and I was incredible. A smile seems to go a long way with these children. I just wanted to spend quality time with them all and take every last one of them home with me! It was also awesome to see some of the children really worshiping… not just singing with their mouths, but praising with their hearts. The teachers also would really get into the songs which was SO great to see! I could talk about the teachers for hours and hours. You can tell that they really LOVE these children. I learned later that their teachers salary is only 90$ a month!

After our VBS time in the morning, we split into different teams and went out into the slums with the “Bring the Light” ministry. This ministry is so great because their main job is putting skylights into people’s shanties. Often the shanties are so dark that no one can see anything at all when the doors are closed… well, those shanties that are fortunate enough to have doors. Some of them just have sheets hanging over the doorways. BUT… the cool thing about this ministry is that they don’t JUST bring light to the shanties… they talk to the people about how Jesus can bring light to their lives and souls. Our teams didn’t actually put any of the skylights in, but we would sit down with the people who lived in the shanty and talk with them about Jesus and if they had any needs that we could pray specifically for. I was so amazed at how grateful these people were for the encouragement that we brought to them through this ministry. I remember sitting in one of the shanties and picking up a Bible that was translated into Swahili. You should have seen everyone laugh at me as I tried to read it out loud! Haha… I think I failed. It was fun to try anyway!

Here is a video of one woman singing a song for us when we visited her shanty. She was very shy and modest about it but when we heard that she sings in the choir of the church that she attends we begged her to sing for us and she eventually did... in Swahili!:

http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/ZSXo4VGIFofP6XhB4t6xyQ?authkey=Gv1sRgCJLD_cTz0saChgE&feat=directlink

Wednesday, June 10th – Today we did the same thing as yesterday. We had a half day of VBS and then did house visits in the slums with “Bring the light”.

OH……haha…I have a good story for you all. Well, at the school where we did VBS there were bathrooms… but no toilets. So there were several stalls… but only holes in the floor where the toilets should have been! Our team had an interesting time of learning to use those “toilets”.

After we did “bring the light” in the afternoon, another girl and I were able to sit down with Juma, Rafile, and Andrew and get a lesson in Swahili! That had to be a major highlight of the day. I was even asked if my mom or dad was Kenyan because they said I was picking it up so easily! Haha… actually, I found that the little Swahili that I learned was even easier than Spanish. It’s nice because most words are pronounced exactly how they look. For example: “Mzuri” means “good” in Swahili…and it is indeed pronounced “Mmmm zori”… or some people just say “Missouri”. Haha… we told them that Missouri is a state next to Kansas and they had a good laugh at that.

That night when we were driving home, I was talking to some girls in the back of the van when suddenly our bus came to a stop. I looked up and realized that we had gotten stopped by the “police”…which I might add are extremely corrupt down there in Kenya. The entire police system is really messed up. It’s actually probably a lot like it is in Mexico. Anyway, I looked up to see two uniformed men carrying huge machine guns circling our van. Yikes… that’s a scary sight anytime… but at night on the side of a road …in the heart of Nairobi…my heart started beating so loud I was sure that everyone in the van could hear it. I looked over at the girls sitting next to me and I told them to pray… because this happened in Mexico and they wouldn’t let us go until we had given them money. Our van driver, John, is Mary’s brother and a native Kenyan. We could all hear him arguing with the two men in Swahili. One of the men walked over to the van door and opened it. In that moment I was thinking “I bet I’m not getting out of this alive.” I had heard of all the violence that goes on in Kenya, especially at night… but we all kept praying. Even though most of our nerves were on end… it was strangely silent and calm in the van. Eventually, and much to our relief and thanksgiving, they let us go. I asked if we had given them any money and John said no. Then I inquired as to what he said to make them change their minds. He replied “I just told them no”. HAHA… God must have been at work there… because no one just tells two armed men a simple no and get’s away with it. God’s protection was around us that night and it was so great to be reminded of that fact even though the reminder came through a scary experience.

Thursday, June 11th – Today we went to a new school called “Mabatini” and did a half day of VBS with about 90 children. This is an interesting school because it’s actually just a row of shanties all together in the Mathare slum that they made into a school. They don’t actually have a school “building”, it’s just a group of shanties that have been converted into classrooms. We had a great time with these children and teachers. The teachers at this school are so passionate about what they are doing for these kids… it’s so great to see that they really care.

Since this school is kind of “in the middle” of the slum, little children who aren’t part of the school are always running around. In the building where Tina and I sang there was a window that little children would always peek through by standing on a bench outside. When we were done singing, Zelly and Kim would always do a puppet show for the children. This particular day Tina and I went outside and saw all those children crowding around the window to watch the puppet show. Several of the smaller ones couldn’t see because there wasn’t enough room to stand on the bench, so Tina and I walked over and tried to pick up as many as we could so that they could watch the puppet show through the window. Holding these little children close had to be one of the biggest highlights of the trip for me. My arms and legs got so tired I didn’t think I could hold this little girl any longer, but I didn’t want to put her down! If my arms could be the arms of Jesus to her…for even a little while, it would be completely worth it to keep standing there with her.

That afternoon we went to another location called Kosovo and did an afternoon of sports with about 350 children. This was a great time for me because I really enjoyed interacting personally with the children. There’s nothing like running around on a dirt soccer field with a team of 30 children to really get you wiped out… but it was a good kind of wiped out. I wouldn’t have rather done anything else with my time. These children were absolutely enthralled with the crate of sports balls that we brought. We had to actually keep someone at the crate to guard it because so many of the children wanted to play with the balls. It made me sad… I wish we could have given a ball to each of the children that they could keep. But since we had 350+ children… that wasn’t possible. L Overall though, that afternoon was a great afternoon.

Friday, June 12th – Today we did VBS at Mabatini again. It was great to be able to work with the children a second time and teach them some new songs.

That afternoon we were able to go to the open air market in Nairobi, which was a ton of fun! It was pretty stressful though just because you have to stay on your guard ALL the time and you have to do some major bartering in order to not get ripped off. Some of the teachers and local Kenyans were there to help us barter. I learned the art of this when I was in Peru, so doing it again wasn’t so bad… but it was definitely stressful. However, at the end of the day I came home with some pretty neat items.

Saturday, June 13th – I know that I probably shouldn’t pick a “favorite day”, but out of all the days that I was in Kenya… this day had the most impact on me. We got up pretty early and drove an hour and a half out of Nairobi into the countryside to a boarding school called Joska. After driving on the paved road for awhile we suddenly took a turn onto a dirt road… that didn’t look like it was very well used. The neat thing is that the dirt down in Kenya is very red! It makes the landscape look really cool. Anyway… we didn’t just drive 2 minutes on this dirt road… we drove for about 30 minutes. We had to go really slow because there were so many holes. Halfway through the ride I felt really motion sick because I was in the back of the van and I hit my head on the ceiling several times! Haha… so halfway through the ride I moved up front and felt a little bit better. I just wanted to get out of the van before I threw up. OH also, we were stopped again by the police… and this time we had to wait for 20 minutes until they finally let us go. This experience wasn’t nearly as scary because it was in the daylight, they were both women and they weren’t armed. But God’s protection was given to us once again.

Eventually we arrived at Joska and were ushered into their meeting hall area – where roughly 500 children were seated. We were then given a huge presentation that lasted at least an hour – several groups of children would come up and dance, sing, and recite memory verses. One group even did a skit! I was so impressed at how much these children know. One little girl said “Hello, my name is Mary… and I’m going to recite 20 Bible memory verses to you.” And she did! It was beautiful to sit and hear these children recite God’s word to us. It struck me as I was sitting there that I was actually in Africa surrounded by African children who loved Jesus just as much as I did…probably even more.

After their presentation was done, we were served a delicious lunch and then given instructions by Tina on how the sports afternoon was going to be run. We had a pretty tough time splitting up 500 children into teams of 30…but eventually we got it all figured out. Heather (another woman on the team) and I were given a group of 30 girls to manage. They seemed to be between the ages of 8 and 14. All of them seemed to get comfortable with us right away. Whenever we would move from station to station I would tell them to make a line behind heather and I. They were really good at this and would do it really quickly. The girls right behind me would always grab onto my shirt and hug me around the middle when we would line up. There were times at our different stations when we would just be waiting to go to the next station… and these were my favorite times because the girls would all cluster around me and ask me all these different questions. They loved touching my arms and comparing the color of their skin to mine. They had a good time playing with my hair too…haha. I felt 20 little hands on my head while listening to “Oooooo… it’s so soft and pretty!”. I finally had to tell them that we needed to go do something else, otherwise I think they would have done that all day! Haha… it made me smile. It’s really like they couldn’t get close enough to me. I never had a free hand that afternoon except while they were involved in a game. At all other times one of them would always come over and hold my hand and hug my arm. During one of the breaks I started talking with a thirteen year old girl named Shamim. She was one of the girls who was constantly hanging on me and holding my hand. At one point in the afternoon she asked me if I was ever going to come back to Kenya. I told her that I hoped I could one day. She grasped my hand and said “Promise to come back…promise?” Tears filled my eyes as I told her that I couldn’t promise but that I would really try. At the end of the day, I brought my camera out and of course each one of my girls wanted a picture. I told them to make a line again…and then I went through and took a picture with each one. I loved them and wanted to take them all home with me. Shamim, Slyvia, and Sarah were girls that gave me their names. I’m planning on writing to them and sending them some copies of the pictures we took.

After we were done with the kids, we took a tour of the boarding school. I was able to go into the girls dorm and was very moved by what I saw. Inside this “dorm” there are rows and rows of bunkbeds that are three bunks high instead of just two. Each bed has a trunk at the end of it with the girl’s name on it. The sea of bunk beds went on for miles and miles it seemed like. It really touched me to hear about when the girls first came to Joska. The teacher said that they couldn’t believe that they had a whole bed, blanket, and trunk to themselves! Because remember, back in the slums, these children would sleep on the floor of their shanties. The adults would always have the beds… and if the child did sleep in a bed, they definitely had to share it with someone else. After we were done touring the boarding school, which, I might add, is only one floor and made of tin and metal, we were able to tour the new dorm that is being built on the far side of the sports field. This simply amazed me. The bathrooms have tile floors and sinks with mirrors! It is going to be so incredible when they actually have the building all done because it is just so much nicer than what they are living in now. They just received money to finish the second floor. Right now, it’s just cement and doesn’t have any walls or anything. We walked up there to take some pictures.

On top of that building in Kenya, Africa, I felt overwhelmed by God’s presence. I stood staring out at the beautiful landscape…taking it all in…and I fell in love. Never in my entire life have I fallen more in love with a people, a culture, a language…a ministry… then when I spent that one day at Joska boarding school. I’ve been to Peru and I’ve been to Mexico… but Kenya truly captivated my heart like no other place ever has. More on this at the end of my report.

Sunday, June 14th – This was an exhausting day to tell you the truth. But still a wonderful day. We split up into two groups and one of the groups went to Cosovo, while the other group went to Mabatini. We attended a church service at each of the locations. I was with the group that went to Cosovo, so that was a lot of fun. We had a presentation from the children during the service where they sang some of the songs that we had taught them during VBS and recited some of the memory verses to us. It was so sweet. After church the group from Mabatini joined us and we all ate lunch together at Cosovo. Then we sat back down to watch an all-afternoon presentation from all the children. Some of the stuff was repeated from the church service since all of us weren’t there… but some of it was new. At one point all the teachers got up and started singing… then they pulled each one of us up from our chairs and wrapped african shawls around us… the men got african shirts. It was so neat because we were all up there dancing in our african garb! I loved it… this went on for probably 30 minutes… I was worn out by the time we sat back down…haha.

After all of this was over with they brought out a huge cake to thank us… and we had the pleasure of getting the “first bites”. Then each of us got to go around with a plate full of cake and give a bite to each of the children there! That was fun… who knows how often these kids get to taste really nice cake. It was so fun to watch their faces as they ate it.

We spent that evening at the Pastors house… he invited our whole team over for dinner. It was great to be able to talk with them about the ministry that is going on down in Kenya. God really is doing some incredible things. We asked them a lot of questions, one of them being: “Do you ever have a problem with children running away from the schools or boarding schools?” Mary and Wallace said that children running away has never been an issue… because they get fed at school. So often times, if they don’t come, they don’t eat. Mary said that children at the boarding school begged to not be sent home the first time… they didn’t want to go back to the slums. I learned that Joska boarding school is really structured. If I’m remembering correctly, the children wake up at 5:00am, breakfast is at 6:00, devotionals start at 6:30 or 7:00… and then they have classes all day. They even have an evening class! It sounded more rigorous than my college schedule! Anyway, it was just interesting to get a lot more information and background on the ministry.

After we arrived back at the hotel that evening we proceeded to pack up all of our stuff… and fit the things we had purchased at the market. HAHA…easier said than done.

Monday, June 15th – Today was a CRAZY day… but totally fun. We all got up really early and left the hotel at 6:00am. We wouldn’t be returning to the hotel that day, so all of our stuff had to be completely packed. After bringing our luggage down to the lobby, we all loaded into two safari vans… YAHOO! They open up in the top so you can stand up and take pictures while the driver is driving. J If you really want to feel like you’re in Africa… go on a safari. It is an incredible experience. We saw giraffe, water buffalo, wart hogs, zebras, baboons, gazelles, rhinoceraus, and much more. At one point we even got out of the vans and walked through the bush with an armed ranger. He led us to some Hippopautomaus that were in the river. Then we walked down farther to where a CROCODILE was sun bathing! Yikes… I’m sure glad that we had God and a ranger with us.

After eating lunch we went to the house of Doug and his wife. They kindly let us hang out and shower so that we would be fresh for our flight to London that evening. I had been feeling excellent until that morning. All the safari excitement made me forget about how I was feeling for awhile, but after we arrived at their house it really hit me. Yuck… I was really dreading the flight. It’s always pretty terrible to travel while you’re sick… especially with a head cold/ ear ache/ sore throat thing. However, I got through it with the Lord’s help and actually slept for a good part of the flight.

Tuesday, June 16th – We arrived in London at about 5:30am. We went to the hotel and ate a really YUMMY breakfast, and then went and toured London all day. It was a lot of fun, but since I was not doing well at all my dad came and picked me up from the hotel that night. The rest of the team flew out the following morning to go back to Kansas.

Wow… when I originally started writing this, I had no intention for it to be so long! I hope you enjoyed all the details.

Like I mentioned before when I went to Joska boarding school, I fell in love with Kenya while I was down there and I have a strong desire to return. I don’t know where God is going to lead, but my dream is to return there… and stay for much MUCH longer than just a week. If you could be praying for me as I try to determine the Lord’s will for my life, I would really appreciate it. I can’t tell you how thankful I am for all your prayers and encouragement. May God continue to be glorified in everything.

By His Grace,

Emily

PS... more pictures are coming. Stay tuned. :)

Wasted Life?

2009-06-24T06:44:00.004-05:00

Wow friends! It's been awhile since I've been blogging... and I have no excuses. Okay, actually I do... I was in Kenya for a good part of June on a missions trip. AND let me tell you... it was an amazing experience. I will post a few pictures and stories very soon. In fact... let me give you a little sneak preview:

Isn't he a cutie? More pictures to come...

But meanwhile.... I have been thinking.

If you died tomorrow... would you be happy with what you have accomplished in your life so far?

I know that's not the happiest thought to think on... but going down to Kenya really made it hit home for me. Am I ready to go? Do I have things that I have been putting off doing that I would regret NOT doing in my very last moments on this earth? If I know that God wants me to accomplish these things eventually... what's keeping me from doing them right now? Did I invest in the relationships that I knew God wanted me to invest in... or am I still waiting? WHY should I wait to spend time with my sister? WHY should I wait to tell my dad that I'm proud of him? The tomorrow that I'm counting on coming might be the one that never does.

Now, God encourages us to wait all throughout the Bible. After all, good things come to those who wait, right? YES.... but waiting because God has told me to wait on something... and waiting because I'm afraid to do something are two very different things.

So back to the question... if you died tomorrow would you be satisfied with the life you lived? Would you be happy with what you've accomplished?

If the answer to this question is no... what are some things that you can start doing right now that will make a difference? I wonder how many people come to the end of their lives and say "wow... I wish I would have taken that opportunity... I wish I would have done that. I wish I would have said that... or been that."

I don't want to be someone who looks back at my life and says "wow... that was a waste." Life is way too short to not spend my time wisely.

Right now, I can truthfully say that if I died tomorrow, I would be content with where God has brought me and what He has done in my life. I have seen so much of the world and have had so many amazing friendships with amazing people. But more important than all that... is the impact for Christ that we all have the opportunity to make. How many lives has Christ touched through me? Have I really lived as His hands and feet? There is no way that I have lived that way all the time... I'm so imperfect. But just thinking about getting another day to be used by my precious Savior is something that makes my heart smile in delight.

So don't wait to be those hands and feet, friends. A life lived for Christ is not a wasted life.

Justified by the Law?

2009-05-21T03:45:00.006-05:00

This morning in my quiet time I was going through Galatians 5. I was so amazed at all the truths that I was getting from the chapter...even though I had heard them many times before.

In verse 4, it says "You who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace."

What is the law? Well, at the time I believe that it was the law referring to circumcision. (But don't quote me on that... I'm not an expert). To practically apply this verse I had always thought about the law being the rules that our society lives by... and if you "break the law" you get a fine or go to jail.

However, in my last post I was talking about freedom from the fear of doing the "wrong thing"...and I think this verse relates. I believe that we can set laws for ourselves that aren't necessarily Biblical. In my case, I had decided, for whatever reason, that if I made a "wrong" choice, I would ruin my happiness. So I kept my personal "laws" and "rules" hoping that if I did the things that I was supposed to I would never get hurt and in essence have a perfect life. My "law" and "rules" suddenly became king.... and they started to rule over me and determine my actions.

No longer was I living by grace... I was a slave to my "law". Paul speaks directly and says "YOU who are trying to be justified by law..." "Who me? Naw... he must be talking about the pharisees or something."... or so my thought processes went for so many years. But I was trying to justify myself by my own "law". I was thinking that if I "do this" I will "be this". What nonsense that I thought I could earn the happiness and joy that is freely given in Christ by following some "rules" that I thought would bring about that happiness.

Below is the rest of a conversation that is, of course, fictional - between God and I, but these thoughts have been running through my head, and I figured that I could express myself better in a literal conversational format. This is simply to illustrate a point... I am by NO means trying to put words in my Lord's mouth:

Him: Emily, the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love. - Galatians 5:6b

Me: What? That's the only thing that counts? No... it can't be... don't I have to DO something?

Him: Love me with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.

Me: You mean that I don't have to stress out about "keeping my laws"? That I need to exhibit my faith through love?

Him: Yep... that's pretty much it.

Me: Wow... but that seems so simple!

Him: Exactly.

Me: What?

Him: Exactly. It IS simple. You make things too complicated, and so does the rest of the world. MY laws are the ones that you should be keeping... not the ones that you subject yourself to.

Me: I know... but I just want to make sure that I am serving you in the best way possible.

Him: Do you really?

Me:....ummmm......yes?

Him: Or is it really because you want me to give you a "good life" and happiness... so you come to me and beg me to tell you what to do in certain situations... because you're afraid to exercise your judgement. Is it love for me? Or is it fear of doing the "wrong thing"?

Me:......... ouch.

Him: You are my child, but you also have my Spirit... I gave you my Spirit so that you may become comfortable listening to my voice... but also doing and being what I created you to do and be. My spirit works and lives in you...and sometimes I think you forget that.

Me: So you mean that you want me to just make my own decision without your guidance?

Him: Not at all.

Me: Well... what do you mean then?

Him: I mean that after you have prayed, sought wise counsel, read my book, and sought ME... rest. Be at peace. Don't always worry about if you are doing the right thing. If you are seeking me... I will have you on the right path. Whether that path causes pain or pleasure is not up to you... your job is to seek, follow, and then rest in the place that I have prepared especially for you. Worry doesn't add a single hour to your life...and I sent my Son to die on a cross so that you would not have to live as a slave to fear.

(I am NOT putting words in the Lords mouth or trying to make Him say things that He didn't say. This conversation is purely metaphorical and is used specifically to understand the Biblical truth of freedom from the law. If anyone is offended by what I have written, please feel free to write to me at zylime@hotmail.com. Like I said before though, I wrote this simply to illustrate a point...nothing more.)

Fear in Choices

2009-05-14T16:05:00.006-05:00

Oh how the love of the Father is a consuming fire! I pray that he would transform my actions and my words more and more each day. But how can he do this transforming work in my heart and my life if I am consumed with fear?

I have been thinking on the concept of fear quite a bit lately. I have never really viewed myself as a fearful person, but God gave me an interesting thought through a friend the other day. I was contemplating the question "what is your greatest fear?". I hadn't really thought about this before... and for a long time the answer to this question was death. I feared death more than I feared anything else. I feared being separated from the people that I loved through death. God brought that fear to life through a series of circumstance which I describe in my book (which is still a work in progress!) and through those circumstances, even though my worst fears came true, my dear Savior led me to victory over those fears.

So, I was contemplating what I now fear. I have already seen someone face death and so death no longer causes me to tremble. But I realized that the fear of doing the wrong thing is a fear that is very real to me. Obviously everyone should have a healthy fear of the Lord, but I definitely don't think that the Lord wants us to live in constant fear of "doing the wrong thing." Some people fear failing. Others fear what people will think. I don't fear these things... I simply fear walking down the "wrong path". Through the eyes of a friend and because of God's grace I realized that this thinking is in itself wrong! The Lord doesn't want me to be bogged down by this fear of making the wrong choices or doing the wrong things.

I wanted my life to turn out perfectly and for years I had this notion that in order for that to happen, I had to make all the "right" choices and walk down the exact path that God had chosen for me. So I was constantly living in that fear that maybe I had made the "wrong choice" in a certain situation or made a "bad decision" and that it would "ruin" my life. That life would never be the same because of my mistakes.

But isn't that what my dear Savior died for? So that I don't have to spend my entire life living in the fear that I must always do right? Obviously I shouldn't deliberately do the wrong thing. But I do believe that the Lord wants me to make the best decision that I can within the grey areas of my life without stressing so much about going down "this path" or "that one". My wonderful Lord is sovereign and I believe that he is in control of every aspect of my life.

I am slowly learning how to step outside of that "fear of doing the wrong thing" because I do believe that a fear like that can consume someones life if they don't turn things over to the Lord and instead stress about if it's "right or wrong". Please don't misunderstand me: I don't mean that we should be lazy and not care about if a choice is right or wrong. It is definitely up to us to make wise choices with the different things that the Lord gives us, but I do believe that after we have prayed and asked God for guidance we shouldn't live in that fear that keeps us immobilized.

A fear like the one I just mentioned can keep me from doing anything at all! Instead of doing something, I just do nothing because I am afraid of doing wrong! How sinful! The Lord doesn't want me to become a sitting vessel... he wants me to be active and do what I can with the time and gifts that he has given to me. I mustn't fear the unknown simply because it's unknown. I mustn't fear doing wrong simply because I don't want to get hurt. Stepping outside of this fear and living in confidence and victory is something that the Lord is making known to me... that this freedom is GOOD and that being confident and letting him handle all those little things in my life is something that I should have been doing a LONG time ago.

I can't change the past, so what's the use of contemplating if a choice was right or wrong? The Lord IS sovereign and I know that he is "working everything together for the good of those who love him." Whether my choices cause me pain or cause me happiness, God will use them in a way to bring about my eventual good and his eventual glory. I cannot live with that crippling fear that if I "do the wrong thing" I will be unhappy the rest of my life. A life of joy can be lived no matter WHAT road I am walking...as long as my identity is always placed in my Savior Jesus Christ. In HIM my joy is found...not in my personal choices or actions.

Praise God for the freedom and victory over fear that he gives to his children! A life with him is so full that it becomes overwhelming at times. The joy that wells up within me is greater than anything I have ever found or will ever find in this dark world. The light that He continues to shine can be found, if we choose to look for it... the key is in walking out of that crippling fear that paralyzes us from doing things. That fear of doing wrong IS wrong! Praise God that He is continually renewing my mind and banishing that fear so that I can live in victory through the cross.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out fear..." - 1 John 4:18a

Lord cast out that fear. I praise you for your perfect love that has that ability to banish all my doubts so that my view is filled, not with my fear, but with your wonderful perfect glory.

Blog Makeover and Book Update

2009-04-23T05:52:00.003-05:00

Hello friends! I hope you all like my blog's new look! I had a fun time making it more "me". I recently did Shauna's blog as well (with a great deal of input from Shauna!). Luckily school lightened up in the past week so that I actually had the free time to be creative! That always makes me happy and brings joy to my heart.

Well, life here is fairly normal and non-rushed right now. I am enjoying the extra time that I have each day. If you know me personally, you also know that my life is next to never slow and dull. I love doing things, meeting people, serving, and using my gifts to glorify Him with every breath. Right now, however, it seems that the Lord is most glorified in me when I take the extra time that I have and spend it with Him.

Book progress is coming... very slowly...but it's coming. If you all would pray for my motivation, I would appreciate it. I long to get this book done, but knowing where to start and how to organize my thoughts is very difficult for me. I am more of a blogger; with little random spurts of inspiration every now and then. So I have lots of random paragraphs scattered throughout my computer database. Perfectionism is also my weakness. Instead of just getting thoughts down, I correct as I go. This is time consuming and makes me exhausted after awhile. But I just can't STAND those red squiggly lines that appear underneath misspelled words! Haha...you can laugh if you want, but it really is annoying to me.

Sometimes I also have doubts as to if God would be able to give me the words to convey what He wants people to know. I know it's silly of me, but these doubts are often very relentless. However, I know that the Lord wants me to write this book, whether people read it or not, so I need to press forward. I will quote a friend's words that God used to encourage me:

"But if you are being obedient to the call of God, it is your faithfulness that matters, not the visible fruit that you do or do not see."

Please pray that I would be faithful and motivated to do what I know God is calling me to do! It's such a struggle sometimes, but I know that in the end, if it glorifies the Lord, it's going to be worth it.

Unexpected Tears...

2009-04-18T11:10:00.003-05:00

Have you ever had a flood of tears wash over you at the recollection of something? I was going through some pictures on Facebook today and saw some of a girl's bridal shower. I didn't even know the girl, but suddenly, I came to a picture of her and who I assumed immediately was her mom. Her mom was sitting right next to her in front of a fireplace writing down the gifts that her daughter had received. They were the only two in the picture and the floor around them was littered with gifts and wrapping. In my mind, I could just hear the mother exclaiming over each present that her daughter received and talking about "how cute it will look your new kitchen or how it will go perfect on that "one wall". Of course, she and her daughter were the only two people who knew which "one wall" she was talking about. I could just imagine that mother completely sharing in her daughter's joy over everything that she had receive and anticipation for what the future would hold.

And as I sat there, staring at that mother and daughter pair...my heart broke and the tears started flowing harder than they have in a very long time. I folded my head between my arms and just cried. Sometimes you just need to cry, and this was one of those times. I could just picture that lady sitting next to her daughter, being my own mom...and me sitting next to her, sharing in the excitement together.

But then, with a gentle yet painful pull at my heartstrings, I realized that it would never be; that I would never get the wonderful opportunity to be with my mom on that special day... that she wouldn't be there to share in my joy and write down all the wonderful presents that I received; that I would never catch that beautiful glimmer in her eye that told me she was just as excited as I was; that I would be surrounded by people that loved me but not the one person who knew me better than anyone else ever did or ever will.

These thoughts are so painful. Every time I see a photo of a mother with her daughter there is a slight pang that goes through me, like a bittersweet teardrop hitting my face. I long to hear her voice, hear her laugh and feel her arms around me again.

Just because the Lord has been walking beside me doesn't mean that I haven't still experienced pain. I have fallen time and time again, but what gives me peace is knowing that there is always someone right there to pick me back up again and set me on my feet. I will experience pain in this life, and Christians should not expect to live a life without pain. God did not promise us a life without pain...but He did promise to walk with us and keep us underneath the shelter of His comforting wings as we experience that pain. He promised to never leave us nor forsake us. He promised to give us that "peace that passes all understanding". The most amazing thing is that He is faithful to those promises. Though I have experienced the pain, I have also experienced the peace.

I will continue to miss my mom as long as I walk this desolate earth...but I do know that the Lord's arms will be enfolding me even when my mom's are not. His loving arms are so much larger, greater, and more powerful anyway...and I know that one day, both my mom and I will be able to share in each other's joy...eternal joy...everlasting joy. Then I can look into her eyes and see that shining glimmer of excitement, hope, and love...that look that I remember so vividly and miss so dearly.

I love you and miss you, mom.

49 years ago...

2009-04-13T03:22:00.006-05:00

49 years ago, today...a little girl was born. She had a face that was always smiling and there was a love for life that only grew along with her. Through life's challenges and struggles, this little girl turned into a woman...and this woman eventually found God...or rather, God found her. But God was not content to just leave her where she was at. No, He wanted to stretch and challenge her so that she would be an encouragement and a light. He wanted her to shine. He wanted her to become like Him.

And so, as the years passed in enjoyment of every moment, He decided to do something that would make her come alive...but would eventually lead to death...death of the body, but not the spirit. Something that would really show His glory to the world. He knew she could handle it...He had been preparing her for the task since she was born.

So one day...she became aware that she was afflicted. But what made this woman extraordinary is that she turned to the Father and praised Him. She thanked Him for the afflictions that He had given, and in that moment... God knew that He had chosen the right woman for the task.

This woman determined to take in every new day and glorify God with every breath that He chose to bestow on her. The choice wasn't easy. No, it was a struggle. But the choice was made all the same, and glorify Him she did.

Then, one November morning, Gods hand came down to give this woman her final breath on this earth. While we cried tears of pain, He cried tears of joy...for He knew that her heart would start beating again in a different place; a glorious place; a place that He had been preparing for her.

So we watched this woman smile and laugh her way into the Fathers loving arms.

I watched my mom live and die, but with equal joy. I watched her laugh and weep, but with equal strength. I watched her praise on the mountaintop and through the valley of the shadow, but with equal faithfulness. I watched her...and in turn, I saw the glory of God unfolding before my very eyes.

Today is a glorious day...a day that might be filled with tears but is also filled with joy. A day filled with memories of love and laughter, of good times shared and now gone. A day to marvel at Gods faithfulness through the storm.

My mom continues to live a life of praise and joy....though not here in England with me. I know that she is celebrating in that beautiful place which no earthly mind can comprehend nor imagine. And that thought...brings me peace and comfort as well as overwhelming joy.

While we look back today at the life that my mom lived, she looks forward into eternity...into the very face of Jesus.

"I know that my Redeemer lives,

and that in the end he will stand upon the earth.
And after my skin has been destroyed,

yet in my flesh I will see God"

Job 19:25-27