That Time Again

It's that time of year. The time of year when a lot of the posts on Facebook resemble the ones below:

~ HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY _________!! You are the best mom ever, always giving of yourself for others...I hope that you can enjoy today and let us take care of you! :) Love you soooo so much!!! xoxoxoxoxoxo

~If you have an amazing mother, put this as your status!

~ At 3yrs " Mommy I love you."

At 10yrs " Mom, whatever."

At 16yrs " My Mom is so annoying."

At 18yrs " I wanna leave this house."

At 25yrs " Mom you were right."......

At 30yrs " I wanna go to Mom's house."

At 50yrs " I don't want to lose my Mom."

At 70yrs " I would give up everything for my Mom to be here with me."

You only have 1 Mom.Post this to your wall if you appreciate and love your Mom ♥

It's the time of year when my heart hurts a little more inside; when I can't escape the memories, thoughts, and feelings... about her. Emails titled "Get your Mother's Day gifts 50% off" and "Mother's Day is just around the corner!" cause little tears to form in the corners of my eyes... but there's no escaping them. I can't shut myself out from the world for the entire month leading up to the holiday.


My Facebook status would probably be something more like this:

At 3yrs " Mommy I love you."

At 10yrs " Mom, you're everything to me, even though we argue."

At 16yrs " This can't possibly be my last birthday with you..."

At 18yrs " Mom, I wish I could ask you ____________."

At 25yrs " I'm picking out a wedding dress... without you."

At 30yrs " My baby keeps screaming and I don't know what to do... wish I could call you."

At 50yrs" I haven't forgotten... and I still miss you."

At 70yrs " I would give up everything to be with you, just one more day."

And then there's eternity: Together. Forever.

But even though I know that... even though I understand that I will see her again and that our joy will be complete, it still hurts that I can't give her a hug today... that she can't come to my choir concert, or meet all my college friends; that she isn't here for my 21st birthday tomorrow, and that our last conversation was almost four and a half years ago.


I loved her. I love her still.

I also love how God continues to strengthen and uphold my family and I... even in the hardest times; His hand can be clearly seen. My heart does ache that my mom is not here to hold but it only causes me to more fully abide in my Savior, Jesus Christ.







He is my hope...


He is my light, my strength, my song.


This cornerstone.


This solid ground.


Firm through the fiercest drought and storm


What heights of love!


What depths of peace!

When fears are stilled

When strivings cease.


My comforter.


My all in all.


Here in the love of Christ.


I stand.

Pressing the Pause Button

Dear God,

Last week, I hit the pause button. Not the pause button for life. Or even the pause button on my busy schedule.

I hit the pause button on my relationship with you.

I know it was dumb of me. So many papers and tests and homework and projects – the pile grew so large that I decided that something else had to be put on hold for just a little bit.

You became that “something else”.

I didn’t consciously choose to put You on pause. But our relationship stopped regardless of my choice or subconscious motives.

Jesus, I’m sorry.

I haven’t been talking to You like I normally do. I haven’t been spending time alone just being still in Your presence. I haven’t allowed You to fill me like only You can.

Lord, you were an afterthought.

God forgive me.

I wasn’t thinking about You this weekend.

This weekend… of all weekends.

Resurrection weekend.

The weekend when Your love altered history. The weekend when You had me on Your mind and in Your heart as You hung there… dying for me.

Oh Lord, I’m so unworthy. So disgusted at my lack of effort in placing You at the center of my heart and priorities.

When the pile of “stuff” to do gets so high I can’t see anymore, help me to remember that it’s only “stuff”. If this life is all there is, then it’s perfectly fine to place all my time and energy into stuff.

But if this is only a taste… a preview… the prologue of the true novel that hasn’t yet begun; Oh Father, forgive me! How can I be so blind?

Instead of focusing on this fleeting prologue that we call “life”, help me to focus on the everlasting epilogue… the story You’re writing that doesn’t end. I plead with You to help me remember that in my times of greatest busyness, You should become even more of a priority than when I have extra time.

Jesus, what You did on the cross for me was incredible. Indescribable. Totally humbling.

You know better than anyone else that I will continually be unworthy. That anything I do will never measure up to Your ultimate sacrifice of love.

It’s overwhelming that You would die for me…. when I fail over and over to give You priority.

But even when I keep pressing the pause button, You never fail me. You continue to love me. And in Your strong, yet quiet way… You draw me back to yourself.

Complete

There is just something overwhelmingly beautiful about waiting on the Lord's plan.
He can write better stories than anyone else can

Watching His hand bless others abundantly through grace
Make me want to be obedient to the Lord's pace

I question.
I doubt.
I wonder if it's worth it.
Should I just do without?

"You'll just know" people say
But how will I know you've brought me the one
to whom I can give my heart away?

Lord, lead me.
I need you more than anything.
You've locked up my heart and taken the key.

Faithfulness is what I need
So blind me, close my eyes... until the time is right.
Purify every word and deed
I'm looking toward Your radiant light

Jesus, You alone can fulfill
Thank you for this abiding contentment
My one desire is to be in the center of Your will

But if... even in that place
There are no others
I'm confident that Your face
Will satisfy deeper than earthly lovers

Your beauty overwhelms me as I look
To You for the peace my heart craves
My paralyzing fear and shame You took
I praise You! Because Your love is a love that saves.

Please, dear Father, direct every step of mine.
Give me Your heartbeat
I pray continually: Not my will. Thine.
Only there am I satisfied, whole, and complete.