Monday, July 18, 2011

Crocodile Tears... or Lack Thereof

I just realized that I don't cry like I used to.

Growing up, I cried a bit more than average I would guess. There were many reasons for that, but I think that most of it stemmed from my deep-rooted fears that God decided to deal with later on in my life.

Then when my mom died, I cried every day for awhile...

Then every other day...

Then a few times a week...

Then every other week...

Then sporadically here and there... every month or so.

Now, when I say cry, I'm not counting the times when I tear up while watching a sad movie or other moments in life when tears come into my eyes. Crying to me is when tears are overflowing and they last more than a minute or two. My mom used to call them "big crocodile tears".

Maybe one of the reasons I don't cry as much now is because I don't have as much time to think.

When I truly take the time to be still ... tears come.

It's almost as if my body doesn't let me grieve except for the times when I give myself permission. I wish that I would get some still time every day... but unfortunately, I don't always do it. Even in my quiet times in the morning, sometimes my mind isn't at rest and truly still.

The thing is: I've never felt the freedom to let myself become lost in feelings of grief. This excuse sounds lame, but I really don't have time.

If I could drive away to a secluded cabin in the middle of the mountains and spend a few weeks there... with no telephone. No Internet. No distractions. Ah... that would be a taste of Heaven. It would just be me, my writing utensils, my Bible, my walking shoes so I could go on hikes, and a few carefully selected books. Oh, and I can't forget the chocolate and Kleenex.

Then, in that secluded place... I would cry. I wouldn't have interruptions. Busyness wouldn't be allowed to cloud out my feelings any longer.

I would cry until no tears were left.

I would tell God why I wish my mom was still here. Why everything seems to be going wrong and how hard life is. I would talk to him about my confusion, my sorrows... the sadness that still grips my heart even when my life seems "perfect" to the outside observer. I would talk to him about my fears regarding many things. And then I would be silent... and let the crocodile tears slide down my cheeks in the stillness.

Tears would fall... for what I've lost, for what I've gained, for what is behind and what is to come.

I don't cry like I used to. Not because I don't feel like I used to, but simply because I don't allow myself to be still and let the tears fall.


  1. If I remember correctly...aren't you writing a book about losing your mom? (Lynnette said that writing her books was a healing process for she replayed everything while she was reading her journal, and writing down her most intimate feelings...and her sorrows. The tears just flowed!)

    Perhaps someday you will have time to reflect as you write. And then those cleansing tears will flow sweet Emily.

    I know that healing is a process, and it does take time. And we know there is a time for every purpose under heaven!

    Praying you will have time for reflection and healing Emily. And until then...always know that the Lord hears every whisper of your heart. Speak from your heart to Him. He loves you so much! And He's always there to listen, to comfort, and to encourage your heart!

    Grandma Linda

  2. Hi Emily, Crocodile tears is exactly how I feel at times. I'm alone alot, but I can't seem to cry enough to wash out all the things I feel bad about. I'm still grieving over your Mom & can't seem to accept some things. I know I didn't have a lot of time with you & your family, but every time was very special. I loved your Mom alot & I really miss her & her love of God & family. I see your Mom in all 3 of you, which is very uplifting & delightful. I had no idea you were having a tough time with all of this. Life is very hard, it's a lot harder than I ever dreamed it could be. I'm glad you were so honest because at least I don't feel so bad that I haven't resolved some of my feelings. I don't mean that I don't want you to get thru this, I just thought that you are so much closer to God than I am, you had accepted all of it. I still struggle with all the mistakes I made raising my son & our relationship as a result of it. I still struggle with all the mistakes I have made thru my life & I struggle with all my illnesses. So I'm not any help to you, but I do love you & think of you & Jacob & Shauna alot. I enjoy seeing your comments & thoughts & what you all are up to. It makes me feel a little closer to you all & I share with your Uncle Mark & he is always interested in what's going on in your lives. He is as busy as you are, but it's just trying to make a living & take care of our home & me. I do know that your Mom would want you to live life to the fullest & to remember her, but not let her passing to ruin your life. She loved life & she would want you to do the same. I love you & always feel free to share, that's how we grow. Love you Aunt Brenda July 19,2011


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