Have you ever had a flood of tears wash over you at the recollection of something? I was going through some pictures on Facebook today and saw some of a girl's bridal shower. I didn't even know the girl, but suddenly, I came to a picture of her and who I assumed immediately was her mom. Her mom was sitting right next to her in front of a fireplace writing down the gifts that her daughter had received. They were the only two in the picture and the floor around them was littered with gifts and wrapping. In my mind, I could just hear the mother exclaiming over each present that her daughter received and talking about "how cute it will look your new kitchen or how it will go perfect on that "one wall". Of course, she and her daughter were the only two people who knew which "one wall" she was talking about. I could just imagine that mother completely sharing in her daughter's joy over everything that she had receive and anticipation for what the future would hold.
And as I sat there, staring at that mother and daughter pair...my heart broke and the tears started flowing harder than they have in a very long time. I folded my head between my arms and just cried. Sometimes you just need to cry, and this was one of those times. I could just picture that lady sitting next to her daughter, being my own mom...and me sitting next to her, sharing in the excitement together.
But then, with a gentle yet painful pull at my heartstrings, I realized that it would never be; that I would never get the wonderful opportunity to be with my mom on that special day... that she wouldn't be there to share in my joy and write down all the wonderful presents that I received; that I would never catch that beautiful glimmer in her eye that told me she was just as excited as I was; that I would be surrounded by people that loved me but not the one person who knew me better than anyone else ever did or ever will.
These thoughts are so painful. Every time I see a photo of a mother with her daughter there is a slight pang that goes through me, like a bittersweet teardrop hitting my face. I long to hear her voice, hear her laugh and feel her arms around me again.
Just because the Lord has been walking beside me doesn't mean that I haven't still experienced pain. I have fallen time and time again, but what gives me peace is knowing that there is always someone right there to pick me back up again and set me on my feet. I will experience pain in this life, and Christians should not expect to live a life without pain. God did not promise us a life without pain...but He did promise to walk with us and keep us underneath the shelter of His comforting wings as we experience that pain. He promised to never leave us nor forsake us. He promised to give us that "peace that passes all understanding". The most amazing thing is that He is faithful to those promises. Though I have experienced the pain, I have also experienced the peace.
I will continue to miss my mom as long as I walk this desolate earth...but I do know that the Lord's arms will be enfolding me even when my mom's are not. His loving arms are so much larger, greater, and more powerful anyway...and I know that one day, both my mom and I will be able to share in each other's joy...eternal joy...everlasting joy. Then I can look into her eyes and see that shining glimmer of excitement, hope, and love...that look that I remember so vividly and miss so dearly.
I love you and miss you, mom.