Crocodile Tears... or Lack Thereof

I just realized that I don't cry like I used to.

Growing up, I cried a bit more than average I would guess. There were many reasons for that, but I think that most of it stemmed from my deep-rooted fears that God decided to deal with later on in my life.


Then when my mom died, I cried every day for awhile...

Then every other day...

Then a few times a week...

Then every other week...

Then sporadically here and there... every month or so.


Now, when I say cry, I'm not counting the times when I tear up while watching a sad movie or other moments in life when tears come into my eyes. Crying to me is when tears are overflowing and they last more than a minute or two. My mom used to call them "big crocodile tears".

Maybe one of the reasons I don't cry as much now is because I don't have as much time to think.

When I truly take the time to be still ... tears come.

It's almost as if my body doesn't let me grieve except for the times when I give myself permission. I wish that I would get some still time every day... but unfortunately, I don't always do it. Even in my quiet times in the morning, sometimes my mind isn't at rest and truly still.

The thing is: I've never felt the freedom to let myself become lost in feelings of grief. This excuse sounds lame, but I really don't have time.

If I could drive away to a secluded cabin in the middle of the mountains and spend a few weeks there... with no telephone. No Internet. No distractions. Ah... that would be a taste of Heaven. It would just be me, my writing utensils, my Bible, my walking shoes so I could go on hikes, and a few carefully selected books. Oh, and I can't forget the chocolate and Kleenex.

Then, in that secluded place... I would cry. I wouldn't have interruptions. Busyness wouldn't be allowed to cloud out my feelings any longer.

I would cry until no tears were left.

I would tell God why I wish my mom was still here. Why everything seems to be going wrong and how hard life is. I would talk to him about my confusion, my sorrows... the sadness that still grips my heart even when my life seems "perfect" to the outside observer. I would talk to him about my fears regarding many things. And then I would be silent... and let the crocodile tears slide down my cheeks in the stillness.

Tears would fall... for what I've lost, for what I've gained, for what is behind and what is to come.

I don't cry like I used to. Not because I don't feel like I used to, but simply because I don't allow myself to be still and let the tears fall.

July Wish

I was sitting outside watching fireworks light up the sky... so beautiful. So powerful. Just like my God... and my memories.

And as I sat thinking, a poem was birthed:

July Wish

Sometimes I wish upon a star

Wishing I could be where you are

If only to talk for awhile

And see your beautiful smile

Deep things are on my heart

Yet we are so far apart

My soul cries sometimes

And it only comes out in rhymes

I wish you were close by me here

Like a warm blanket wrapped near

Salty tears roll down my face

I simply wish for one more embrace

Fireworks light up the sky

This traditional Fourth of July

The bright color and sound

Makes the darkness flee all around

I wish the noise could change me

Jar me back to this present reality

But I’m lost remembering yesterday

It seems such a small price to pay

When I can see you in my mind’s eye

Every time those fireworks light up the sky

Traditions make me think of you

And that winter day that you flew

Away to a home much better than here

No more pain. No more fear

Did fireworks light up the sky that day?

In an eternal place far away?

There’s no question that you will always be missed

Every day that I continue to exist

And little by little my heart will heal

Because my wonderful Savior is real

So every year when the Fourth rolls around

I can smile… because I know where peace is found.

I am She

Here is a poem that I wrote for my literature class today. Enjoy! And feedback is always welcomed and appreciated.

I am She

I am she

The woman in the mask

The woman I didn’t want to be

I am she

The hypocrite woman

Never kneeling on bended knees

I am she

The woman who hides

Where no one can see

I am she

The unfaithful woman

How can you still love me?

I am she

The redeemed woman

Finally free

Dear 76 Readers... Got a Question? Any question?

Hello dear readers!

Today I am supposed to be doing nothing but homework (World Civ and Intro to Lit) but I decided to take a little break from that so that I can write to you.

Did you know that you're over SEVENTY readers now? I was reading some of my previous blog postings this morning, specifically THIS ONE and suddenly realized that you all have put up with a lot of craziness from me in the past.

I admit it. I am a little crazy.

But nevertheless, the number of readers has grown... so there must be something you're enjoying... right?

Hopefully.

That's my friend Jaci and I at an 80's Bowling Night last semester!

Uh... random.


*crickets*

Okaaaaaay. Now, back to the MAIN point of this post:

I recently thought of this idea... and if you don't like it, no biggie. But I thought I'd try it out.

From now until the end of the summer, I want to give you all the opportunity to ask me any question you can think of: whether it be about God, theology, relationships, purity, food, sibling drama, health, nutrition, dating, exercise, politics... ANYTHING.

?

You can leave your name, but if you want to remain anonymous, that's fine too. Just place a comment at the end of this post and check "anonymous". I will be randomly selecting questions to answer in "Dear Em" blog posts during the rest of the summer.

Now, let's get one thing straight: I'm not GOD.

Therefore, my answers will not be 100% right or perfect.

However, I do promise to use the knowledge that I have as well as my own experiences to give you the best possible answer I can from my perspective. If I don't know the answer... I'll try to find it... or find someone who does. Or... if you're just wanting to know what my personal opinion is on a subject, that's fine too. Ask away!

Questions can be silly or stupid or serious or slightly sinister. But I'm not kidding when I say that anything goes. I cannot promise to answer every question that I receive. But I CAN promise that I care about all 76 of you and will do my very best.

:)

"Sisters" - A poem

Sisters

I am the envy of every woman

The lust of every man

If you possess me

You may lack humility

In youth, I am abundant

But I slowly fade with time

Everyone covets me

The world bows down to me

I wield power over the weak minded

Strength over the purest man

I am strong

But not as strong as my sister

She does not fade with time.

She is rare.

The world doesn’t know her.

She is not sought after by many.

No one can destroy her

But I am destructible.

She only enhances me.

In fact, I am nothing without her.

She is the one who gives substance

To my shallow fleeting existence

I can be improved with cash and possessions

But no amount great or small can buy my sister.

She is unfading.

I am fleeting.

Unequal we are.

Yet sisters

I live in high-society

Make my home in Hollywood

But my sister can be found elsewhere

In the lowliest places on earth

She dwells with kindness and compassion

And makes her home with humility and forgiveness

We are opposites

Sometimes seen together

I am rare – she is rarer

We are sisters:

Inward and Outward Beauty

It's been awhile since I've written a poem... I would LOVE your feedback: good, bad, ugly, or that you didn't understand it one bit! :) I don't usually do free verse, but I couldn't seem to rhyme methodically with this one...

Thanks for reading!

Few Regrets

"All men are like grass,
and all their glory is like the flowers
of the field.
The grass withers and the flowers fall,
because the breath of the Lord blows on them.
Surely the people are grass.
The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of our God stands
forever."

~ Isaiah 40: 6b-8

"Surely the people are grass" .... uhhh yikes. I know "each man's life is but a breath", but I usually don't like to dwell on that, because it honestly makes me feel a little frantic. This is kind of ironic since my entire blog is based around this verse.

But here's the thing: I look forward to events, and then... all too soon, they're over. Time goes so fast... but I don't feel like I'm moving. I still feel like I'm 18 years old.

It scares me sometimes.

So much to do! So much to see! So many things to explore! I don't want to waste it!

The older I become, the more I realize how essential it is to have a close walk with Christ. The only way that I can keep from "wasting" time is to draw close to my Father and determine what HE wants me to do every day. How does HE want me spending my time? Are the things I'm involved in glorifying to Him and beneficial to His kingdom?

Because those are the only things that will outlast this life.

Living for ourselves can be fulfilling... while it lasts. But in the end, we are somehow empty and full of regrets. Perhaps we end up in that broken place because we finally realize that this kingdom is not a kingdom at all in comparison to the place that God has prepared for those who love him.

I don't want to regret this life. I don't want to regret the choices I made or the way I spent my time. I think everyone desires to live with no regrets... but how many people actually achieve this? It might be impossible to live with no regrets, but what if we could live with few?

John 10:10 says:

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

When I think of a full life, I think of security in the arms of Christ, joy in His presence, and overpowering strength to face trials. Regrets do not come to mind. In fact, the only things I regret are the situations where I behaved in an ungodly way, times when I didn't follow the holy spirit's prompting, or missed opportunities to share God's love with other people.

All the things that I regret can be linked back to one common factor: my lack of abiding in Christ.

When I was far from his presence or out of touch with His spirit... those are the times that I did things, or said things, or thought things that I now regret. Every situation that I can think of can be traced back to that one thing.

The secret to a life of few regrets is fully and continually abiding in Christ.*

So we've already determined what we need to do in order to live a life of few regrets... but what do we do with the regrets we already have?

Philippians 3:12-14 might answer this for us:

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

Forgetting what is behind doesn't mean forgetting the lessons God taught us. But what we should be forgetting is the stuff that doesn't matter anymore. In II Corinthians 5, God says that we are a new creation in Christ!

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"

Abiding in Christ deals with having an eternal focus and perspective. When we're abiding, we are no longer looking to the mistakes that we have made in the past. We are focused on walking with Christ in the moment... every single day that we have... with every breath that we take.

This forward focus is what takes our eyes off of ourselves and places them on the cross. Is fulfillment what I desire? Then I must learn to devote myself entirely to Christ and His purposes - for it is only there that I find life to the full.

"What is the secret to great living? Entire separation to Christ and devotion to him. Thus speaks every man and woman whose life has made more than a passing flicker in the spiritual realm. It is the life that has no time for trifling that counts."

- Amy Carmichael

*If you're confused about what it means to abide in Christ, I suggest you read Andrew Murray's book "Abiding in Christ". It's excellent!

"Emmie!"

I feel like I'm spending the entire summer with children - because I pretty much am! Other 20 somethings might think that playing endless games of peek-a-boo, pushing children on swings, playing with Legos, and always having Elmo on the TV would get old... but not me! I even have two extra car-seats in my car now, just so I can drive the kids around. People probably think I'm a young mom... which doesn't bother me! :)

It's fun and I love it!

Plus, I still have time to do other stuff that I love: workout, read, sleep, go to the pool, and write... just like I'm doing now.

I am so blessed.

The only problem is: I'm falling in love with these two kids! As if I wasn't in love with them already...

There is no greater joy than walking into a room and seeing Lily's big smile as she exclaims "Emmie!" Jackson has taken to calling me "Emmie" as well. I love them. I love being with them. I love being their "big sister" for the summer.

I don't want it all to end...

One Step

Lately, I've been contemplating my future. There are so many places that I would love to go... so much that I want to see and do. Sometimes I can get overwhelmed because the options are so numerous. Then my prayer becomes "Father, what would YOU have me do? In a world where the possibilities are endless... lead me." The more I pray... the more He seems to answer "Emily... one step at a time." So it was within these thoughts and prayers that the following poem was birthed:

One Step at a Time

One step at a time

On a road full of stairs

If I look too far ahead

I might fall

One step at a time

Trusting

Waiting to see where you lead

But not wanting to spoil what you’re doing

One step at a time

Solid … steady

Unwavering in commitment

To the very next step

One step at a time

Even when the fog is thick

And I stand trembling

Doubting

One step at a time

When the sun shines bright

I’m tempted to run and leap ahead

But still you say to me

One step at a time…